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The government has the responsibility to ensure the safety of its citizens. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree? v.1

The government has the responsibility to ensure the safety of its citizens. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. v. 1
There is no doubt that safety is paramount to every ones health, and it is the responsibility of the government to ensure that safety precautions are followed accordingly in order to keep the citizens healthy. However, many believe that the government must Chanel vast amount of money on security only. In this article, i am going to discuss while an equal proportion of money should be channelled on both security and social benefit. I believe if the government spends a larger amount of money on security and defence, it will be for the benefit of the nation, this is because currently, the crime rate is increasing globally, and more people are becoming a victim of this wicked act. For examples, in some countries, more than 40% of deaths each year is as a result of a crime and without proper security and equipment to enable the defence department to know who is carrying out this evil act. But if the government should provide enough equipment for security, the death rates will be reduced, and judgement can be brought to those involving in this act. Nevertheless, social benefit should not be considered less important, because people use this means as relaxation, just as it's often said that all works and no play, makes jack a dull boy. The majority finds pleasure in social activities, therefore it is mandatory that the government should consider spending on this aspect. Also, it will increase the development of children in the society In conclusion, both the defence and social benefit should be considered equally, because the nation will not be able to survive without this two aspect.
There is no doubt that safety is paramount to every ones health, and it is the responsibility of the
government
to ensure that safety precautions
are followed
accordingly
in order to
keep
the citizens healthy.
However
,
many
believe that the
government
must
Chanel vast amount of money on
security
only
. In this article,
i
am going to discuss while an equal proportion of money should
be channelled
on both
security
and
social
benefit.

I believe if the
government
spends a larger amount of money on
security
and
defence
, it will be for the benefit of the nation, this is
because
currently
, the crime rate is increasing globally, and more
people
are becoming a victim of this wicked act. For examples, in
some
countries, more than 40% of deaths each year is
as a result
of a crime and without proper
security
and equipment to enable the
defence
department to know who is carrying out this evil act.
But
if the
government
should provide
enough
equipment for
security
, the death rates will be
reduced
, and judgement can
be brought
to those involving in this act.

Nevertheless
,
social
benefit should not
be considered
less
important
,
because
people
use
this means as relaxation,
just
as it's
often
said that all works and no play,
makes
jack a dull boy. The majority finds pleasure in
social
activities,
therefore
it is mandatory that the
government
should consider spending on this aspect.
Also
, it will increase the development of children in the society

In conclusion
, both the
defence
and
social
benefit should
be considered
equally
,
because
the nation will not be able to survive without this two aspect.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay The government has the responsibility to ensure the safety of its citizens. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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