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The government has the responsibility to ensure the safety of its citizens. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree? v.1

The government has the responsibility to ensure the safety of its citizens. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. v. 1
There is no doubt that safety is paramount to every ones health, and it is the responsibility of the government to ensure that safety precautions are followed accordingly in order to keep the citizens healthy. However, many believe that the government must Chanel vast amount of money on security only. In this article, i am going to discuss while an equal proportion of money should be channelled on both security and social benefit. I believe if the government spends a larger amount of money on security and defence, it will be for the benefit of the nation, this is because currently, the crime rate is increasing globally, and more people are becoming a victim of this wicked act. For examples, in some countries, more than 40% of deaths each year is as a result of a crime and without proper security and equipment to enable the defence department to know who is carrying out this evil act. But if the government should provide enough equipment for security, the death rates will be reduced, and judgement can be brought to those involving in this act. Nevertheless, social benefit should not be considered less important, because people use this means as relaxation, just as it's often said that all works and no play, makes jack a dull boy. The majority finds pleasure in social activities, therefore it is mandatory that the government should consider spending on this aspect. Also, it will increase the development of children in the society In conclusion, both the defence and social benefit should be considered equally, because the nation will not be able to survive without this two aspect.
There is no doubt that safety is paramount to every ones health, and it is the responsibility of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to ensure that safety precautions
are followed
accordingly
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the citizens healthy.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
Chanel vast amount of money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
security
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
. In this article,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
am going to discuss while an equal proportion of money should
be channelled
on both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
security
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
benefit.

I believe if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
spends a larger amount of money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
security
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
, it will be for the benefit of the nation, this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
currently
, the crime rate is increasing globally, and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are becoming a victim of this wicked act. For examples, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, more than 40% of deaths each year is
as a result
of a crime and without proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
security
and equipment to enable the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
department to know who is carrying out this evil act.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
equipment for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
security
, the death rates will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
, and judgement can
be brought
to those involving in this act.

Nevertheless
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
benefit should not
be considered
less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this means as relaxation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as it's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
said that all works and no play,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
jack a dull boy. The majority finds pleasure in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
activities,
therefore
it is mandatory that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should consider spending on this aspect.
Also
, it will increase the development of children in the society

In conclusion
, both the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
benefit should
be considered
equally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the nation will not be able to survive without this two aspect.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay The government has the responsibility to ensure the safety of its citizens. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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