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A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree? v.4

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. v. 4
These days there has been a significant rise in the crime rate in many countries. Many people believe that the government is responsible to ensure safety of its people and hence they have to spend more on defence. In this essay we will discuss why it is equally important to spend on social benefits. In order for any country to prosper, the crime rate has to be reduced. To tackle this, the government needs to spend more on defence system by way of installing CCTV cameras in the public places, employing more people in police forces and increasing the patrolling in the crime prone areas. For example, there has been a significant drop in chain snatching and robbery cases in Mumbai after installation of CCTV cameras in the city. It has also been helpful in identifying the culprit from the CCTV camera footage. However, spending on the social benefits like health care system and education is also necessary. It is said that the poverty is the root cause of any problem. In many cases it is found that because scarcity of funds, people have not been able to afford the education which has resulted in unemployment. Due to this people are forced to engage in criminal activities like mugging, theft and robbery. This all can be controlled if free education is provided to poor people. To conclude, I believe that though safety of people is vital, it is also important to spend an equal amount of money on social benefit. Hence the government should strike a balance between spending on safety and social benefits of the society.
These days there has been a significant rise in the crime rate in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is responsible to ensure safety of its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
hence
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more on
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
. In this essay we will discuss why it is
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
benefits.

In order for any country to prosper, the crime rate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
. To tackle this, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
needs to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more on
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
system by way of installing CCTV cameras in the public places, employing more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in police forces and increasing the patrolling in the crime prone areas.
For example
, there has been a significant drop in chain snatching and robbery cases in Mumbai after installation of CCTV cameras in the city. It has
also
been helpful in identifying the culprit from the CCTV camera footage.

However
, spending on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
benefits like health care system and education is
also
necessary. It
is said
that the poverty is the root cause of any problem. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases it
is found
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
scarcity of funds,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have not been able to afford the education which has resulted in unemployment. Due to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are forced
to engage in criminal activities like mugging, theft and robbery. This all can
be controlled
if free education
is provided
to poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

To conclude
, I believe that though safety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is vital, it is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
an equal amount of money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
benefit.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should strike a balance between spending on safety and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
benefits of the society.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
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IELTS essay A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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