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A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety Therefore, some people think that government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. To what extent you agree? v.1

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety Therefore, some people think that government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. v. 1
The military is crucial for the identification and protection of every country. However, the military expenditure of a country depends upon its geographical and political conditions. Cutting down military expenditure can lead to an alarming situation for the stability of the country and tranquility of a nation. In my perspective, the military is very much important for the protection of the borders of a country and if expenditure which is used to protect the borders is cut down, it may risk the security of its nation and in more crucial conditions the country may even demolish. For instance, there is always a cold war between Pakistan and India and both the countries need a strong army for protection of their borders. However military is also required to stop the illegal migrants from other countries which can be a danger to a country in many ways. A country's economy may be affected due to an increase in population because of migrants. It may also lead to an increase in terrorism as in Pakistan many migrants came from Afghanistan and they never went back, thus leading to an increase in Pakistan's population and they are also a cause of increased terrorism in Pakistan. When a country or nation have strong military forces it's people are more protected and safe, so they can have a peace of mind. Like in Kashmir, which always remain a battlefield field due to weak military forces. Many people lose their lives daily and they don't have any security for their lives. To conclude, cutting of military expenses may lead to demolition of a country's economy and may take away the tranquility and peace of mind of its people.
The military is crucial for the identification and protection of every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
However
, the military expenditure of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
depends upon its geographical and political conditions. Cutting down military expenditure can lead to an alarming situation for the stability of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and tranquility of a nation.

In my perspective, the military is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
much
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the protection of the borders of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and if expenditure which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to protect the borders is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
down, it may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
the security of its nation and in more crucial conditions the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
may even demolish.
For instance
, there is always a
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
cold war
between Pakistan and India and both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
need a strong army for protection of their borders.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
military is
also
required to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
the illegal migrants from other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
which can be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. A country's economy may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
due to an increase in population
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of migrants. It may
also
lead to an increase in terrorism as in Pakistan
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
migrants came from
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
Afghanistan and
they never went back,
thus
leading to an increase in Pakistan's
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
population and
they are
also
a cause of increased terrorism in Pakistan.

When a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
or nation have strong military forces
Did you mean "its" (possessive pronoun) instead of 'it's' (short form of 'it is')?
it's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are more protected and safe,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can have a peace of mind. Like in Kashmir, which always remain a battlefield field due to weak military forces.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
lose their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
daily and
they don't have any security for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

To conclude
, cutting of military expenses may lead to demolition of a country's economy and may take away the tranquility and peace of mind of its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety Therefore, some people think that government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
281 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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