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A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. therefore some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. to what extent do you agree? v.3

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. therefore some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. v. 3
Defending and assuring the safety of its citizen is the prime responsibility of any government. Therefore, many people believe that the state needs to focus more on defence expenditure than on social benefits. So, I think that defence service is crucial. However, social norms are also playing an essential role. Thus, the authority gives equal importance to both aspects. To regard within the favour of protecting measures for humanity. It is true that the state distributed various positions in the term of safety like military, police and so on, which act as prevent harmful attacks on society as well as the tribe. Therefore, the ministry should pay attention to the guard's accommodation which associated with health facilities, food, house and other essential things. Moreover, defence job is associated with numerous difficulties like injury or sometimes die along this trick training, less sleep, long duty hours, but they always give first preference to their democracy without caring about own life and family. Thus, union should pay more in order to better the future of families. Moving further with social benefits is also very pivotal which cannot be ignored. Without these facilities, people, politics as well as the nation may endure many challenges. Firstly, unemployment has negative outcome for everyone like due to jobless, human beings may commit crime, tribe economic may decrease. As a consequence, the state should provide jobs to everybody by this, tribe economic may be increased and the crime rate will be lessened. Further point is that, medical facilities, in this day and age, the majority of individuals are losing their lives just because of less access of health services. The ministry should construct hospitals, dispensers in urban and rural areas which aid as improve healthy environment. In conclusion, defence services and social benefits have different value. Though, without one, the population faces many problems. Therefore, the case provides similar fund for both aspects.
Defending and assuring the safety of its citizen is the prime responsibility of any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the state needs to focus more on
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
expenditure than on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
benefits.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
service is crucial.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
norms are
also
playing an essential role.
Thus
, the authority gives equal importance to both aspects.

To regard within the
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of protecting measures for humanity. It is true that the state distributed various positions in the term of safety like military, police and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, which act as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
harmful attacks on society
as well
as the tribe.
Therefore
, the ministry should pay attention to the guard's accommodation which associated with health facilities, food,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and other essential things.
Moreover
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
job
is associated
with numerous difficulties like injury or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
along this trick training, less sleep, long duty hours,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they always give
first
preference to their democracy without caring about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life and family.
Thus
, union should pay more in order to better the future of families.

Moving
further
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
benefits is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
pivotal which cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
. Without these facilities,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, politics
as well
as the nation may endure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
challenges.
Firstly
, unemployment has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcome for everyone like due to jobless, human beings may commit crime, tribe economic may decrease. As a consequence, the state should provide jobs to everybody by this, tribe economic may
be increased
and the crime rate will
be lessened
.
Further
point is that, medical facilities, in this day and age, the majority of individuals are losing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of less access of health services. The ministry should construct hospitals, dispensers in urban and rural areas which aid as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
healthy environment.

In conclusion
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
services and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
benefits have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
value. Though, without one, the population faces
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems.
Therefore
, the case provides similar fund for both aspects.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. therefore some people think that the government should increase spending on defense but spend less on social benefits. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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