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The government and individuals are spending too much money on national celebrations like new year or festivals. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

The government and individuals are spending too much money on national celebrations like new year or festivals. v. 2
It is a true fact that good health is vital factor to determine the development of the country. Some people claim that the government has taken necessary preventive mechanisms against the cause of diseases, whereas, others argue that they focus only to treat illness. However, I partly agree with the statement, because in my viewpoint government has implemented required actions to prevent as well as to treat diseases. To begin with, the development in the medical sector is indispensable. Firstly, the increased number of hospitals and medical facilities are the major achievement. Building a number of hospitals in rural as well as urban areas with highly qualified doctors and advanced medical facilities in terms of modern equipment as well as medicines, which is considered as the major step taken by government to identify and treat the illness. Secondly, in order to treat people in remote areas, several health checkup campaigns are organized and thus they ensure the fitness of people around the country. For instance, On the other hand, the effective measures of government to prevent diseases are inevitable. The importance of vaccination and the need to increase the immunization power develops among the common people. By educating people, especially, teenagers and adults about the necessity of good health has helped to improve the health of people to a large extent. For example, vaccinations and polio are given regularly to children to develop better immunity among the children from their early ages. In conclusion, even though the government has spent too much on the treatment of illness in terms of modern equipment and advanced treatment methods, they have generated an awareness among the public to create sufficient knowledge about health.
It is a true fact that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is vital factor to determine the development of the country.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
has taken necessary preventive mechanisms against the cause of diseases, whereas, others argue that they focus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treat
illness.
However
, I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in my viewpoint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
has implemented required actions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
as well
as to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treat
diseases.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the development in the medical sector is indispensable.
Firstly
, the increased number of hospitals and medical facilities are the major achievement. Building a number of hospitals in rural
as well
as urban areas with
highly
qualified doctors and advanced medical facilities in terms of modern equipment
as well
as medicines, which
is considered
as the major step taken by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to identify and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treat
the illness.
Secondly
, in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
treat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in remote areas, several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
checkup campaigns
are organized
and
thus
they ensure the fitness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the country.
For instance
,

On the other hand
, the effective measures of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
diseases are inevitable. The importance of vaccination and the need to increase the immunization power develops among the common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. By educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and adults about the necessity of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to a large extent.
For example
, vaccinations and polio are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
regularly
to children to develop better immunity among the children from their early ages.

In conclusion
,
even though
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
has spent too much on the treatment of illness in terms of modern equipment and advanced treatment methods, they have generated an awareness among the public to create sufficient knowledge about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay The government and individuals are spending too much money on national celebrations like new year or festivals. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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