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The elderly people of over 50 years of age should be retired and be replaced by the young. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

The elderly people of over 50 years of age should be retired and be replaced by the young. v. 1
Nowadays, parents are very conscious about their children's education because of high competition in the schools. There are some human believe that it is better for children to do educational activity in their spare time. While, others think that children are under pressure, if they spend their leisure time in the educational activity, but according to my opinion, it is better for children to spend their free time in other activities. Firstly, there are many parents who believe that it is better for children to do educational activities because in this way children do really well in the finals. For example, if children do daily revision in their free time, then they do not face any problem in the finals as a result, they perform better. On the other hand, if children do educational activities in their free time then they do not involve any other activity such as playing games, mobile phone and other bad habits. For instance, there are lots of children who spend their time in the educational activity they are not using mobile phones. Secondly, there are lots of parents think that this way children are under pressure because children already spend 8 hours in school and after that, if they spend more time in educational activity, then they are under pressure. For example, there are lots of parents who put pressure on their children to do educational activity in their free time, as a result children under depression. On the other hand, there are lots of parents think that children should do physical activity in their free time because it stay fit and healthy not only physically but also mentally. To conclude, it is true that parents want their children to be successful in their career, but it does not mean that they should spend their free time in the educational activity. According to my view point children should spend their free time in other curriculum activity because it stays fit and healthy and relax their mind.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
conscious about their children's education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of high competition in the schools. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "humans"?
human
believe that it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
in their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. While, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are under
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
, if they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
according to my opinion, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
activities.

Firstly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who believe that it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in this way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do
really
well in the finals.
For example
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do daily revision in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, then they do not face any problem in the finals
as a result
, they perform
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
then they do not involve any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
such as playing games, mobile phone and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits.
For instance
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
they are not using mobile phones.

Secondly
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are under
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
already
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
8 hours in school and after that, if they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
, then they are under
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
.
For example
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who put
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
as a result
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
under depression. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lots
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should do physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
Did you mean "stays"?
stay
fit and healthy not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
physically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
mentally.

To conclude
, it is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
want their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be successful in their career,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it does not mean that they should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
. According to my view point
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
curriculum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it stays fit and healthy and relax their mind.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The elderly people of over 50 years of age should be retired and be replaced by the young. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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