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the education system is only critical factor in the development of a country. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.2

the education system is only critical factor in the development of a country. v. 2
It is true that education plays a vital role in the progress of a country. Education propel the country to drive towards a progress, while some people think that that, other factors are also equally responsible for the prosperity of the country. I disagree with this statement. In the following paragraphs, there are some reasons that will support my opinion. To begin with, Educational Institutes produce professionals that may contribute to the betterment of a country's economy. For example, in some countries, from a plumber to a nuclear scientist one cannot work as a professional unless one undergoes the required training and obtains the compulsory certificate, degree or diploma from the concerned academic institution. This practice makes GDP strong of a particular country, because educators and economists work together and form beneficial economic policies. Similarly, a proper education system promotes high moral values, which becomes a reason of development of the country. Adding to this, educated people are more aware of their rights and responsibilities and this thing is necessary for the progression of the country. Furthermore, education also helps to eradicate corruption, it makes people aware that good governance is their right and they will not to pay bribes for getting things done. Educated people tend to be healthier, because they know that which is good or bad for their health. Moreover, an employer wants educated employees in their offices, so education is the primary requirement to become a successful person. In conclusion, although there may be a number of factors that affect country's well-being, but in my opinion, the education system is the cornerstone of economic and social progress.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
plays a vital role in the progress of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "propels".
propel
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to drive towards a progress, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
Possible typo: you repeated a word
that that
, other factors are
also
equally
responsible for the prosperity of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. I disagree with this statement. In the following paragraphs, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons that will support my opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, Educational Institutes produce professionals that may contribute to the betterment of a country's economy.
For example
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, from a plumber to a nuclear scientist one cannot work as a professional unless one undergoes the required training and obtains the compulsory certificate, degree or diploma from the concerned academic institution. This practice
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
GDP strong of a particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
educators and economists work together and form beneficial economic policies.

Similarly
, a proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system promotes high moral values, which becomes a reason of development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. Adding to this, educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more aware of their rights and responsibilities and this thing is necessary for the progression of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to eradicate corruption, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aware that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
governance is their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
right and
they will not to pay bribes for getting things done. Educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to be healthier,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they know that which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for their health.
Moreover
, an employer wants
"wants educated" is only accepted in certain dialects. For something more widely acceptable, try "educating" or "to be educated".
educated
employees in their offices,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is the primary requirement to become a successful person.

In conclusion
, although there may be a number of factors that affect country's well-being,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system is the cornerstone of economic and social progress.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay the education system is only critical factor in the development of a country. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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