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The diagram below shows the process by which bricks are manufactured for the building industry Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant v.1

The diagram below shows the process by which bricks are manufactured for the building industry
It is true that children should learn subjects that are important in life, but I differ with those who think that the other subjects like geography are not to be taught to children. Knowledge is absorbed best while at a tender age and that might be the reason for it to spark an interest in the subject and it might as well reflect on the child's future unknowingly. First of all teaching the subjects like geography to children at a younger age has a huge impact on how they model their future. This kind of introduction to the topic at such a tender age sparks an interest in children, which in turn may lead them to be specialists in their respective field. For example, if geography wasn't taught by Neil Degress Tyson while he was in school, he might not have developed an interest in astronomy and physics. His contribution in the field has led to great developments in terms of his field and have reflected onto other fields of study. Furthermore, teaching children subjects similar to geography leads them to have a better General Knowledge. It is one thing to be successful in life just because of your skill, whereas being someone who is devoid of basic knowledge is not a person who can succeed in life as much as he would have if he had the knowledge. For instance, if you are a successful businessman and don't know the geographical divisions in which your business might flourish, then you are at a disadvantage compared to your competitors. In conclusion, I would like to say that all children should learn subjects such as Geography as they might develop an interest in that subjects or it might be useful to them without their knowledge.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
that are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I differ with those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
geography
are not to
be taught
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Knowledge
is absorbed
best while at a tender age and that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be the reason for it to spark an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
and it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
as well
reflect on the child's future
unknowingly
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
teaching the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
geography
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at a younger age has a huge impact on how they model their future. This kind of introduction to the topic at such a tender age sparks an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, which in turn may lead them to be specialists in their respective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
.
For example
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
geography
wasn't taught by Neil
Possible spelling mistake found.
Degress
Tyson while he was in school, he
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
not have developed an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
in astronomy and physics. His contribution in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
has led to great developments in terms of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
and have reflected onto other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fields
of study.

Furthermore
, teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
similar to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
geography
leads them to have a better General
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Knowledge
. It is one thing to be successful in life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
, whereas being someone who is devoid of basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
is not a person who can succeed in life as much as he would have if he had the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
.
For instance
, if you are a successful businessman and don't know the geographical divisions in which your business
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
flourish, then you are at a disadvantage compared to your competitors.

In conclusion
, I would like to say that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Geography
as they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
develop an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
or it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be useful to them without their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The diagram below shows the process by which bricks are manufactured for the building industry

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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