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The diagram below shows the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant v.1

The diagram below shows the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes.
With the modernisation, most people work at offices for more hours as compared to their homes. Working for long hours at workplace raise their chances of professional growth and it also results in increased monthly income, but there are also some drawbacks to be taken into account. On the one hand, working for more hours offers many benefits to employees. Firstly, it increases their chances of faster growth as compared to other colleagues. Owing to increased business competition, every employer wants to gain competitive advantage over their rivals by delivering the products faster. Therefore, leaders like the employee who deliver the desired results or products before deadline. As a result, such employees get promotions faster and climb the success ladder in short span of time. Secondly, it allows people to increase their monthly as well as annual income. Many employers provide different perks such as food coupons and overtime allowances to their employees, who work for extra hours. On the other hand, spending more time at the workplace has some downsides too. One of the major problems is, people who keep their focus only on work become depressed over time. They usually don't get time to do exercises or follow any fitness regime. In a study, done by world health organization, it was found that people, who extend their working hours, get stressed easily as compared to others. Another possible issue is, these people get disconnected from their neighbourhood. They leave home early and reach late, therefore, they hardly get any chance to interact with their neighbours and society members. In conclusion, while there are some benefits of spending long hours in the workplace, it can also lead to increased stress and loss of connection with the community.
With the
Possible spelling mistake. 'modernisation' is British English.
modernisation
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work at offices for more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
as compared to their homes. Working for long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
at workplace raise their chances of professional growth and it
also
results in increased monthly income,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks to
be taken
into account.

On the one hand, working for more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
offers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
Firstly
, it increases their chances of faster growth as compared to other colleagues. Owing to increased business competition, every employer wants to gain competitive advantage over their rivals by delivering the products faster.
Therefore
, leaders like the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
deliver the desired results or products
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
deadline.
As a result
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
promotions faster and climb the success ladder in short span of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Secondly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to increase their monthly
as well
as annual income.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
employers provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
perks such as food coupons and overtime allowances to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
work for extra hours.

On the other hand
, spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at the workplace has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
downsides too. One of the major problems is,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their focus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on work become depressed over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. They
usually
don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do exercises or follow any fitness regime. In a study, done by
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
world health organization
, it
was found
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
extend their working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
easily
as compared to others. Another possible issue is, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
disconnected from their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
home early and reach late,
therefore
, they hardly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
any chance to interact with their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
and society members.

In conclusion
, while there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits of spending long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
in the workplace, it can
also
lead to increased
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and loss of connection with the community.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The diagram below shows the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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