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The cultures of many countries around the world becomes more similar than they used to be. What are the reasons for this trend? Is it positive or negative? v.1

The cultures of many countries around the world becomes more similar than they used to be. What are the reasons for this trend? Is it positive or negative? v. 1
Nowadays, when the entire world has become a global village, under the effects of globalization, it should come as no surprise that cultural diversities between nations are gradually disappearing. There are numerous reasons for this negative trend; however, the most important ones are the media's influence and the freedom of choice. On one hand, the mass media are an extremely strong and effective way of promoting one country's customs and traditions. They are able to do this because they can reach a vast audience from every part of the planet. For instance, certain American holidays, such as Halloween, have become globally celebrated after their movie industry introduced the general audience with this festive celebration. Furthermore, some countries neglect their traditional holidays on that date in order to enjoy the customs of Halloween. On the other hand, people now have more personal freedom than they have ever had and this gives them the right to change their native customs they do not like. Moreover, some decide even to completely replace them with other nation's traditions. To illustrate, since many women in the Middle East are now considered equal to men and they are allowed to make their own choices, some of them decided against wearing traditional full-head covers, called hijabs. Doing so, not only that they have neglected their cultural values, but they have also accepted the eastern style of clothing, losing their cultural identity in the process. To conclude, there are little differences between cultures worldwide and they are becoming less and less noticeable with time. This is mainly because of the impact media have on people, combined with the greater human rights respectfulness world-wide. In my opinion, this is a negative trend as it has a detrimental effect on cultural diversity.
Nowadays, when the entire world has become a global village, under the effects of globalization, it should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
as no surprise that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
diversities between nations are
gradually
disappearing. There are numerous reasons for this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend;
however
, the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
ones are the media's influence and the freedom of choice.

On one hand, the mass media are an
extremely
strong and effective way of promoting one country's customs and traditions. They are able to do this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can reach a vast audience from every part of the planet.
For instance
, certain American holidays, such as Halloween, have become globally celebrated after their movie industry introduced the general audience with this festive celebration.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries neglect their traditional holidays on that date in order to enjoy the customs of Halloween.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
have more personal freedom than they have ever had and this gives them the right to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their native customs they do not like.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
decide even to completely replace them with other nation's traditions. To illustrate, since
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
women in the Middle East are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
considered equal to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
men and
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
choices,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them decided against wearing traditional full-head covers, called hijabs. Doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
that they have neglected their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
values,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they have
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
the eastern style of clothing, losing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
identity in the process.

To conclude
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
differences between cultures
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
worldwide and
they are becoming less and less noticeable with time. This is
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the impact media have on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, combined with the greater human rights respectfulness world-wide. In my opinion, this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend as it has a detrimental effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultural
diversity.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay The cultures of many countries around the world becomes more similar than they used to be. What are the reasons for this trend? Is it positive or negative? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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