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The cultures of many coutries around the world become more similar than they used to be. What are the reasons for this trend? Is it positive or negative? v.1

The cultures of many coutries around the world become more similar than they used to be. What are the reasons for this trend? Is it positive or negative? v. 1
Most of the people have already noticed that medical care has significantly improved over the last decades. As a result of that many people, even if they have long term underlying conditions, live comfortable and longer than generations before. Even though it is impressive, rapid development of the healthcare led to some disadvantages. If you come into any hospital across the country you will definitely see an increased number of elder people medical teams are taking care of. Many elderly individuals have more that one condition or disease, they suffer from, so if they have been admitted to the hospital it is more likely they will stay in longer time. Consequently, most of the hospitals have to reorganise or open additional wards to cover the shortage of beds. Another problem that you can notice is dementia. Even if the person is fit and doing well at the moment, with dementia, they may not be able to look after himself in the future. They may have to live with their children or be taken care in nursing home, which can be very expensive. Elderly people do not like to be a burden, but their family members will feel obligated to take care of them. On the other hand, we can give thanks to scientists and their contribution in our medical care development. After retirement, many elderly people find free time as a blessing, especially if they are fit and healthy enough to fully enjoy their lives. They can enjoy a wide range of activities they could not do because of their work. As well they can spend more time with their beloved and look after the grandchildren, that young parents find quiet beneficial. To sum up, I believe that increased life expectancy is advantageous if we are aiming to keep people as healthy as possible so they can enjoy their old age without relying on others, as nobody wants to live till 100 and be a burden for their relatives and society.
Most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have already noticed that medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
has
significantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
over the last decades.
As a result
of that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, even if they have long term underlying conditions,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
comfortable and longer than generations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Even though
it is impressive, rapid development of the healthcare led to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages.

“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
into any hospital across the country you will definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
an increased number of elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
medical teams are taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
elderly individuals have more that one condition or disease, they suffer from,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if they have
been admitted
to the hospital it is more likely they will stay in longer time.
Consequently
, most of the hospitals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
Possible spelling mistake. 'reorganise' is British English.
reorganise
or open additional wards to cover the shortage of beds.

Another problem that you can notice is dementia. Even if the person
is fit
and doing well at the moment, with dementia, they may not be able to look after himself in the future. They may
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with their children or
be taken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
in nursing home, which can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
expensive. Elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not like to be a burden,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their family members will feel obligated to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of them.

On the other hand
, we can give thanks to scientists and their contribution in our medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
development. After retirement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
find free time as a blessing,
especially
if they
are fit
and healthy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
fully
enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
. They can enjoy a wide range of activities they could not do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their work. As
The comma is probably missing here: "well, they".
well they
can spend more time with their beloved and look after the grandchildren, that young parents find quiet beneficial.

To sum up, I believe that increased life expectancy is advantageous if we are aiming to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as healthy as possible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can enjoy their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age without relying on others, as nobody wants to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
till 100 and be a burden for their relatives and society.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay The cultures of many coutries around the world become more similar than they used to be. What are the reasons for this trend? Is it positive or negative? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
331 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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