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The consumption of the world’s resources (oil, and water etc. ) is increasing at a dangerous rate. What are causes and solutions? v.2

The consumption of the world’s resources (oil, and water etc. ) is increasing at a dangerous rate. What are causes and solutions? v. 2
It is argued that whether children should be encouraged for book reading or keep on entertaining themselves by playing games on the computer system or watching television during their free time. Although this time should be used in reading books, it would appear there must be a time limit on this because of some reasons. At the outset, reading books in their leisure time could produce an extra burden on children. It is because, nowadays, a big amount of time has already been spent in schools. Due to the competitive era, even some of them are attending there coaching classes after school times. For instance, an average Indian child has to get involved in their studies from 6 to 8 hours, a recent survey reported. So, if they are being compelled for reading in their spare time, it could lead to unnecessary pressure which might be detrimental in the long run. On the other hand, watching television and playing computer games has their benefits. Firstly, television is not only a good source of entertainment, but also can provide vast knowledge to the spectators. As there are various channels, such as Discovery, History and so on, they can be used to acquire various skills and knowledge. For instance, by watching such educational channels, students can learn that particular subject enjoyably. Secondly, playing games on a computer can inculcate rational thinking and cognitive abilities. Because children have to make quicker decisions and think out-of-the-box ideas to complete the levels in games. Whereas, there might be a limit on these activities as watching screens for a long time could cause bad posture and eye-related ailments. In conclusion, while people assert that the books should be read by the children in leisure time rather than playing video games and watching television, from my view, with some time restriction the latter could be more beneficial for a balanced lifestyle.
It
is argued
that whether
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children
should
be encouraged
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
on entertaining themselves by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on the computer system or watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
during their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Although this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
, it would appear there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
limit on this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons.

At the outset,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
could produce an extra burden on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, nowadays, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
has already
been spent
in schools. Due to the competitive era, even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them are attending there coaching classes after school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
.
For instance
, an average Indian child
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in their studies from 6 to 8 hours, a recent survey reported.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if they are
being compelled
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
in their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, it could lead to unnecessary pressure which might be detrimental in the long run.

On the other hand
, watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has their benefits.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
source of entertainment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
can provide vast knowledge to the spectators. As there are various channels, such as Discovery, History and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, they can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to acquire various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge.
For instance
, by watching such educational channels, students can learn that particular subject
enjoyably
.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on a computer can inculcate rational thinking and cognitive abilities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
quicker decisions and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
out-of-the-box
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to complete the levels in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Whereas, there might be a limit on these activities as watching screens for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
could cause
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
posture and eye-related ailments.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assert that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
should
be read
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
, from my view, with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
restriction the latter could be more beneficial for a balanced lifestyle.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay The consumption of the world’s resources (oil, and water etc. ) is increasing at a dangerous rate. What are causes and solutions? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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