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Consumption of the world’s resources (such as oil, fresh water, etc) is increasing at a dangerous rate. What are the causes of this increased consumption? What can people do to reduce it v.2

Consumption of the world’s resources (such as oil, fresh water, etc) is increasing at a dangerous rate. What are the causes of this increased consumption? What can people do to reduce it v. 2
These days, the over-consumption of national resources becomes a major concern in a global. There are a majority of reasons which contribute to this increasing rate in using resources, including the development of the modern industries, the ways of people living their lives and so on. However, we can also take some measures to mitigate this problem. In some developing countries, most of these industries cannot live without fossil resources. the development of industries is the lifeblood of the economy, and in order to increase their productivity, the priority is to use more and more resources. For example, countries who want to export their product like clothes will cost a large amount of oil and water, which are an essential part of preparing clothes. In particular, the increasing needs will motivate the demands for energy. As a result, the development of the economy will witness the rate of consumption of resources increases. Another reason is that People have not yet realized that their ways of life will lead to energy overconsumption. People are likely to use products only once instead of keeping these items for a long time. For instance, some electronic products such as mobile phones and computers are now sold at low prices, and many people would purchase the newest products, instead of fixing broken ones. Young people, in particular, prefer to purchase the latest mobile phones with up-to-date features and throw old ones away. In contrast, if they can try to keep using their old one or fix it, the demands for electronic products will decrease. As a result, at least, the resources for producing these products will be mitigated. As the overconsumption of resources is pervasive, it is important to take some measures to mitigate this problem. The first one is to raise environmental awareness, educating people to change the ways they use and dispose of different products. Governments can also enforce some laws to limit consumers and companies in the demands for products and resources respectively. For example, the tax penalty can be imposed on the use of some products, including plastic bags, thereby encouraging people to use eco-friendly alternatives.
These days, the over-consumption of national resources becomes a major concern in
Probably a noun is missing in this part of the sentence.
a global
. There are a
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "majorities"?
majority
of reasons which contribute to this increasing rate in using resources, including the development of the modern industries, the ways of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
However
, we can
also
take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures to mitigate this problem.

In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
, most of these industries cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without fossil resources.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
development of industries is the lifeblood of the economy, and in order to increase their productivity, the priority is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
more and more resources.
For example
, countries who want to export their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
like clothes will cost a large amount of oil and water, which are an essential part of preparing clothes.
In particular
, the increasing needs will motivate the demands for energy.
As a result
, the development of the economy will witness the rate of consumption of resources increases.

Another reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have not
yet
realized that their ways of life will lead to energy overconsumption.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
once
instead
of keeping these items for a long time.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
such as mobile phones and computers are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
sold at low prices, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the newest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
,
instead
of fixing broken
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
in particular
, prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the latest mobile phones with up-to-date features and throw
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
away.
In contrast
, if they can try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
using their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
one or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
it, the demands for electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
will decrease.
As a result
, at least, the resources for producing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
will
be mitigated
.

As the overconsumption of resources is pervasive, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
measures to mitigate this problem. The
first
one is to raise environmental awareness, educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the ways they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
and dispose of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Governments
can
also
enforce
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
laws to limit consumers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in the demands for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
and resources
respectively
.
For example
, the tax penalty can
be imposed
on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, including plastic bags, thereby encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
eco-friendly alternatives.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Consumption of the world’s resources (such as oil, fresh water, etc) is increasing at a dangerous rate. What are the causes of this increased consumption? What can people do to reduce it v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
355 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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