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If you could have any job or career you wanted, which would you choose and why? Include details and examples to support your explanation. v.2

If you could have any job or career you wanted, which would you choose and why? Include details and examples to support your explanation. v. 2
“Adolescence” is considered to be the most difficult phase of life. Children leave their childhood behind and enter into adulthood. This transition brings excitements as well as challenges in teenagers’ life; they struggle a lot, not only mentally but also physically to understand and establish themselves. There are scientific as well as social reasons for these sufferings. Firstly, teenagers get perplexed by hormonal and bio-logical changes occur in the body. Sometime they get scared and do not have any clue for this transformation. As per the survey, it is noted that 70% young generation faces issues like low self-esteem, timidity and depression. Secondly, the burden of proving themselves- external look, achieving higher study goals, cut-throat competitions or just show off- in society also generates pressure on young minds and hinders their growth. Even in school, education burden, less awareness and an open discussion culture eventually ruin tender minds. Having impulsively, irritating, and distracted minds are some of the known characteristics of novice adolescents, which can lead them to destruction of their bright future. However, parents can rescue their offspring by providing them right guidance to overcome and have a successful life ahead. Rather than comparing with others and letting them down, parents should always try to be a friend of their children. Having an open discussion culture at home, can lead fearful teenagers to discuss their problems, and get right advices to fight against various issues. Also, parents should make children aware about the changes during teenage and also warn them about making strange friends, sexual harassment and blackmailing using personal information, so that children can well prepared in advance. In conclusion, teenagers seem a tough time of life, but at the same time, it is a good opportunity to flourish by nurturing best qualities if given proper guidance, support and motivation.
“Adolescence”
is considered
to be the most difficult phase of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their childhood behind and enter into adulthood. This transition brings excitements
as well
as challenges in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
; they struggle a lot, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
mentally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
physically
to understand and establish themselves. There are scientific
as well
as social reasons for these sufferings.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
perplexed by hormonal and bio-logical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
occur in the body. Sometime they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
scared and do not have any clue for this transformation. As per the survey, it
is noted
that 70% young generation faces issues like low self-esteem, timidity and depression.
Secondly
, the burden of proving themselves- external look, achieving higher study goals,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
-throat competitions or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
off- in society
also
generates pressure on young minds and hinders their growth. Even in school, education burden, less awareness and an open discussion culture
eventually
ruin tender minds. Having
impulsively
, irritating, and distracted minds are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
known characteristics of novice adolescents, which can lead them to destruction of their bright future.
However
, parents can rescue their offspring by providing them right guidance to overcome and have a successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
ahead.

Rather
than comparing with others and letting them down, parents should always try to be a friend of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Having an open discussion culture at home, can lead fearful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
to discuss their problems, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
right advices to fight against various issues.
Also
, parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
aware about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
during teenage and
also
warn them about making strange friends, sexual harassment and blackmailing using personal information,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well prepared
in advance.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
seem a tough time of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at the same time, it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
opportunity to flourish by
A determiner is probably missing here: "nurturing the best".
nurturing best
qualities if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
proper guidance, support and motivation.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay If you could have any job or career you wanted, which would you choose and why? Include details and examples to support your explanation. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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