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Some people relax by staying home. Otehrs relax by going out. Which type of relaxation is better for you and why? v.1

Some people relax by staying home. Otehrs relax by going out. Which type of relaxation is better for you and why? v. 1
The revolutionary advancement in modern technology has endowed people with substantial resources for their survival in the best possible way. The availability of a variety of facilities has enabled the people to choose  inalienable beneficial opportunities to adopt in their lives. However, there are sections of society that cannot afford even basic necessities. For them these choices are out of reach, hence I  partially agree with the view. In the present era, human beings have exponentially increased the number of options to avail in different fields like food, transport and business due to many reasons. Firstly, the creative methods to produce a variety of food and its preservation have benefitted  human population with provision of significant types of edibles during the entire year. For instance, non-seasonals can be bought from the feed market irrespective of the weather conditions due to modernized preservation methods. Secondly, while travelling, we can opt for many choices, according to affordability and convenience, due to the inventions of the fastest ways of transportation leading to revolution in transport hubs. Furthermore, the advancement in education and development has endowed people with availability of the enormous number of professional fields to succeed in their lives. There is, however, unequal distribution of the positive aspects of technology. Many underdeveloped countries are lacking the basic necessities to survive like food,  health and financial resources. Instead of having choices, they do not have an option to avail the fundamental human rights. To illustrate, the research data by WHO shows that 45% of the population does not have access to clean water supply; 35% people are spending a substandard life. Moreover, certain job and study courses are limited to developing countries only,  leaving others devoid of these advantages. In the light of the arguments I have hitherto considered, this conclusion is evident that, undoubtedly,  people have access to many choices to enjoy in their lives but there is an unequal distribution of beneficial resources. Everyone should have equal approach to all types of advantageous impacts of modern technology, and foremost, there should be provision of at least fundamental human rights
The revolutionary advancement in modern technology has endowed 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
 with substantial resources for their survival in the best possible way. The availability of a variety of facilities has enabled the 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
 to choose
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
inalienable beneficial opportunities to adopt in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
However
, there are sections of society that cannot afford even
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
. For them these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choices
are out of reach,
hence
I
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the view.

In the present era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
beings have
exponentially
increased the number of options to avail in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields like food, transport and business due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons.
Firstly
, the creative methods to produce a variety of food and its preservation have
Possible spelling mistake found.
benefitted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
 human
population with provision of significant types of edibles during the entire year.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
non-seasonals
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
from the feed market irrespective of the weather conditions due to modernized preservation methods.
Secondly
, while travelling, we can opt for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choices
, according to affordability and convenience, due to the inventions of the fastest ways of transportation leading to revolution in transport hubs.
Furthermore
, the advancement in education and development has endowed 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
 with availability of the enormous number of professional fields to succeed in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

There is,
however
, unequal distribution of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects of technology.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
underdeveloped countries are lacking the
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
to survive like food,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
health and financial resources.
Instead
of having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choices
, they do not have an option to avail the fundamental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
rights. To illustrate, the research data by WHO
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that 45% of the population does not have access to clean water supply; 35% 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
 are spending a substandard life.
Moreover
, certain job and study courses
are limited
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
leaving others devoid of these advantages.

In the light of the arguments I have hitherto considered, this conclusion is evident that,
undoubtedly
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
 have access to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
choices
to enjoy in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there is an unequal distribution of beneficial resources. Everyone should have equal approach to all types of advantageous impacts of modern technology, and foremost, there should be provision of at least fundamental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
rights
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Some people relax by staying home. Otehrs relax by going out. Which type of relaxation is better for you and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
331 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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