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The charts show the percentage of peple working in different sectors in Towns A and B in two years 1960 and 2010 v.1

The charts show the percentage of peple working in different sectors in Towns A and B in two years 1960 and 2010 v. 1
In the world of globalization, peoples aren't getting enough time to pass with their family members as well as for their relaxation. The owners of several companies try to contact their workers all the time even on their vacations. However, from my point of view, this approach leads to more disadvantages than advantages, and in this essay will provide some explanations to support my opinion. On the one hand, my view is that this holiday is vital for increasing productivity. This is because it assists people not only to get rid of boredom but also to relieve all the stress from work. For example, vacation removes exhaustion and helps workers to increase focus on the work which makes better interrelation between them. In contrast, if there is a disruptive relationship between employees and staff, companies will not make progress in their development. On the other hand, in some specific fields, managers are entitled to contact their staff at any time. The reason for this is for an emergency purpose they might contact their staff by providing the reward and compensation. For instance, when there are emergencies at the hospital, the doctors and nurses should always be reachable to save the lives of the patients. However, if owners do not provide them suitable remuneration, they will not sacrifice their holidays for the welfare of the human. In conclusion, managers should not contact their staff all the time, especially in their holidays which is important to make them fresh and filled their family needs. That is to say, only in urgent or legitimate cases, they may be contacted by providing appropriate compensation.
In the world of globalization, peoples aren't getting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to pass with their family members
as well
as for their relaxation. The owners of several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
try to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contact
their workers all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
even on their vacations.
However
, from my point of view, this approach leads to more disadvantages than advantages, and in this essay will provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
explanations to support my opinion.

On the one hand, my view is that this holiday is vital for increasing productivity. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it assists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of boredom
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to relieve all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
from work.
For example
, vacation removes exhaustion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
workers to increase focus on the work which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
better interrelation between them.
In contrast
, if there is a disruptive relationship between employees and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
progress in their development.

On the other hand
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
specific fields, managers
are entitled
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contact
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
at any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
The reason for this is
for an emergency purpose they might
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contact
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
by providing the reward and compensation.
For instance
, when there are emergencies at the hospital, the doctors and nurses should always be reachable to save the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of the patients.
However
, if owners do not provide them suitable remuneration, they will not sacrifice their holidays for the welfare of the human.

In conclusion
, managers should not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
contact
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
especially
in their holidays which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them fresh and filled their family needs.
That is
to say,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in urgent or legitimate cases, they may
be contacted
by providing appropriate compensation.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The charts show the percentage of peple working in different sectors in Towns A and B in two years 1960 and 2010 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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