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The two pie charts below show the percentage of industry sectors’s contribution to the economy of Turkey in 2000 and 2016. v.1

The two pie charts below show the percentage of industry sectors’s contribution to the economy of Turkey in 2000 and 2016. v. 1
Many think that there should be an equal amount of male and female students per class in the universities. In my opinion, I agree that this should be applied as this can benefit individuals, especially in their learning and boosting their social skills. A good reason why setting the same number of male and female university students in a class would be beneficial is that it allows more opportunities for students to gain different perspectives. This is due to the fact that men and women are wired to have different insights and thinking process. To put in perspective, males are generally better at math subjects while females are known to excel in science and art. Having an equal number of genders in a class, therefore, allows the students to impart and receive a variety of information from the each other and thus, widening their horizons and views on their chosen programs which are important when going through a tertiary education. Another point for making the numbers equal for both genders in university classes is that it creates development of social and communication skills even towards the opposite sex. With this, there is a bigger chance of students mingling with one another and increase their confidence level. Tertiary schools in the USA, for instance, have applied this rule and showed improvement in the interaction of men and women, making a lot of their graduates highly confident and social. If this is used in all universities, most of the students will enhance their self-esteem and can become efficient in communication, increasing their chance of acquiring the better careers for their future. To conclude, equal number of male and female students in university subjects ought to be mandatory if one is pursuing to achieve better perspectives and jobs later on in life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there should be an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
amount of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
per
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that this should
be applied
as this can benefit individuals,
especially
in their learning and boosting their social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
reason why setting the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
would be beneficial is that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
more opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
perspectives.
This is due to the fact that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women
are wired
to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
insights and thinking process. To put in perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
are
generally
better at math subjects while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are known
to excel in science and art. Having an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of genders in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
,
therefore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to impart and receive a variety of information from
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "each" is left.
the each
other and
thus
, widening their horizons and views on their chosen programs which are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
when going through a tertiary education.

Another point for making the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
numbers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
for both genders in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
is that it creates development of social and communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
even towards the opposite sex. With this, there is a bigger chance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
mingling with one another and increase their confidence level. Tertiary schools in the USA,
for instance
, have applied this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
improvement in the interaction of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women, making
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
their graduates
highly
confident and social. If this is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will enhance their self-esteem and can become efficient in communication, increasing their chance of acquiring the better careers for their future.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
subjects ought to be mandatory if one is pursuing to achieve better perspectives and jobs later on in life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The two pie charts below show the percentage of industry sectors’s contribution to the economy of Turkey in 2000 and 2016. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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