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The charts show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and B in two years 1960 and 2010 v.1

The charts show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and B in two years 1960 and 2010 v. 1
Globally, music is a controversial issue. Now a day, it is the part of every society and culture. Some nations consider it advantageous while others are against it. In my view, music is the food of the soul and it should be included in everyday life. It is not wrong to say that music is a form of art. It is deeply connected to feelings. Furthermore, it affects our mood. There are a number of music types. For example, Rock, Pop, Romantic, Classical and Folk. Listening a specific type of music brings specific sentiments. While exercising, rock music is extremely helpful as it boosts up the energy level. Simultaneously, it refreshes our mind. Moreover, music also reflects the traditions and legacy and history of a country. National Anthem, which is a sort of music is a source of inspiration for people. On the other hand, music is considered bad in some countries. This is mainly due to the risk of obscuring heritage. In this modern age, it is hard to find a person who is not enticed by music. The young millennials are fascinated by the tunes that are the new arrivals. This is diverting their focus. Generally, youngsters spend most of their time listening to their favourite tracks. However, continuous use of headphones and high volume is damaging the intellectual boxes. In addition to this, music lovers waste more money to purchase a new album. This pushes society to the edge of destruction. To sum up, music is inextricably linked to our lives. The impact of the symphony is endless. However, its negative effect can easily be controlled by keeping alive the old customs.
Globally,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a controversial issue.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
a day, it is the part of every society and culture.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
nations consider it advantageous while others are against it. In my view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is the food of the soul and it should
be included
in everyday life.

It is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a form of art. It is
deeply
connected to feelings.
Furthermore
, it affects our mood. There are a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
types.
For example
, Rock, Pop, Romantic, Classical and Folk. Listening a specific type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
brings specific sentiments. While exercising, rock
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
extremely
helpful as it boosts up the energy level.
Simultaneously
, it refreshes our mind.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
also
reflects the traditions and legacy and history of a country. National Anthem, which is a sort of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a source of inspiration for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is considered
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries. This is
mainly
due to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of obscuring heritage. In this modern age, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to find a person who is not enticed by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. The young millennials
are fascinated
by the tunes that are the new arrivals. This is diverting their focus.
Generally
, youngsters spend most of their time listening to their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tracks
.
However
, continuous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of headphones and high volume is damaging the intellectual boxes.
In addition
to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
lovers waste more money to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
a new album. This pushes society to the edge of destruction.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
inextricably
linked to our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. The impact of the symphony is endless.
However
, its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect can
easily
be controlled
by keeping alive the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
customs.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay The charts show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and B in two years 1960 and 2010 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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