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The charts below show the reason why people travel to work by bicycle or by car. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

The charts below show the reason why people travel to work by bicycle or by car.
Tourism is promoted in many parts of the world. This essay will argue that the benefits of tourism offset the drawbacks, as it create more employment opportunities and contributes to the growth of a country's economy. One commonly cited disadvantage of tourism is that it could lead to the lost of cultural identity. When tourists regularly visit an area, the natives could start speaking in their language and copy their mode of dressing and way of life. For instance, the current trend in the dressing of teenagers in the United Arab Emirate has been attributed to the influence of western visitors in the country, which has gradually eroded the traditional dressing of the young natives. Therefore, tourism could result in a gradual cultural disintegration. Despite this, there are a number of advantages of tourism. First of all, it has improved the employment status of some countries. The growth of tourism has created many employment opportunities such as in the accommodation, security and transportation sectors of many nations, which has offered the citizens gainful employments. Secondly, tourism had improved the economy of many countries. These economic growths have been attributed to the movement of foreign exchange from wealthy countries to other parts of the world, where historical and tourist sites are located. For example, Egypt economy has been boosted by the yearly visits of tourist to the pyramids. Thus, tourism has contributed to the economic growth of some nations. In conclusion, although there are drawbacks to tourism, however, it is clear that it provides jobs for many people and it improves the economy of many countries. On the balance, there are more advantages of tourist acts than disadvantages.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Tourism
is promoted
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parts of the world. This essay will argue that the benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
offset the drawbacks, as it create more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
opportunities and contributes to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
of a country's economy.

One
commonly
cited disadvantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
is that it could lead to the lost of cultural identity. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourists
regularly
visit an area, the natives could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
speaking in their language and copy their mode of dressing and way of life.
For instance
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
trend in the dressing of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
in the United Arab Emirate has
been attributed
to the influence of western visitors in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, which has
gradually
eroded the traditional dressing of the young natives.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
could result in a gradual cultural disintegration.

Despite this, there are a number of advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
status of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
has created
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
opportunities such as in the accommodation, security and transportation sectors of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations, which has offered the citizens gainful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employments
.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
the economy of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. These economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growths
have
been attributed
to the movement of foreign exchange from wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to other parts of the world, where historical and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourist
sites
are located
.
For example
, Egypt economy has
been boosted
by the yearly visits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourist
to the pyramids.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
has contributed to the economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
growth
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations.

In conclusion
, although there are drawbacks to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourism
,
however
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that it provides jobs for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
the economy of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. On the balance, there are more advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tourist
acts than disadvantages.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay The charts below show the reason why people travel to work by bicycle or by car.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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