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The charts below give information on the ages of the populations of Yeman and Italy in 2000 and projections for 2050. v.1

The charts below give information on the ages of the populations of Yeman and Italy in 2000 and projections for 2050. v. 1
Many governments set a fixed retirement age, regardless the job type requirements of a person. While some find that individuals in some sectors should stop working and withdraw their pension sooner than others, some tend to disagree and agree that setting a fixed age is more advantageous. In my opinion, I believe that some professions where crucial physical efforts, full awareness, and sacrifices are part of the job task, should be entitled to retire early. To begin with, each occupation requires different duties, where some responsibilities are tougher than the others. In other words, there are a number of people working in situations where their job duties demands physical activities and sacrifices that includes engaging in life threatening situations. For example, a fireman, soldiers and police officers put their lives in danger to save other people's life while putting their health in danger. Hence, those workers should have the right to retire and benefit from their pension at an early age. Moreover, health conditions should also play a role in the age of retirement. To put it differently, as people grow older, their mental health is ought to change which has a negative impact on the ability of concentrating and reacting fast in dangerous situations. Some sectors have an obligation towards the public to have employees working fully attentive to prevent unwanted situations. For instance, a pilot who is responsible for at least a hundred persons should be fully aware, which is harder as a person start aging. Hence, these employees should stop working at an early stage to prevent irreversible situations. Two types of people with benefit from early retirement. Firstly, the labour workers engaging in enormous physical activities such as minors, welders, construction workers, and safety officers. Secondly, the workers that are obliged to be fully aware of everything around them such as air traffic and pilots. In conclusion, the age of retiring should be adjusted depending on the sector and the type of job tasks. It is not only beneficial for the workers, but also for the public when the jobs requires protecting others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
set a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, regardless the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
type requirements of a person. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
find that individuals in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sectors should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
and withdraw their pension sooner than others,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
tend to disagree and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that setting a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is more advantageous. In my opinion, I believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
professions where crucial physical efforts, full awareness, and sacrifices are part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
task, should
be entitled
to retire early.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, each occupation requires
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
duties, where
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
responsibilities are tougher than the others. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, there are a number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
where their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
duties demands physical activities and sacrifices that includes engaging in life threatening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
.
For example
, a fireman, soldiers and police officers put their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
to save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life while putting their health in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
.
Hence
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
should have the right to retire and benefit from their pension at an early age.

Moreover
, health conditions should
also
play a role in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of retirement. To put it
differently
, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
grow older, their mental health is ought to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
which has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the ability of concentrating and reacting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
sectors have an obligation towards the public to have employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
fully
attentive to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
unwanted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
.
For instance
, a pilot who is responsible for at least a hundred persons should be
fully
aware, which is harder as a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
aging.
Hence
, these employees should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
at an early stage to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
irreversible situations.

Two types of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with benefit from early retirement.
Firstly
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
engaging in enormous physical activities such as minors, welders, construction
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
, and safety officers.
Secondly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
that
are obliged
to be
fully
aware of everything around them such as air traffic and pilots.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of retiring should
be adjusted
depending on the sector and the type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
tasks. It is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for the public when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
You should probably use "require".
requires
protecting
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
others
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The charts below give information on the ages of the populations of Yeman and Italy in 2000 and projections for 2050. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
346 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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