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Some parents enjoy giving their children weekly spending money; for example, they may give their primary or middle school child a small amount of money each week to spend on whatever the child wants. Some people believe that this practice can cause childr v.1

Some parents enjoy giving their children weekly spending money; for example, they may give their primary or middle school child a small amount of money each week to spend on whatever the child wants. Some people believe that this practice can cause childr v. 1
School leavers usually face the dilemma of whether to pursue tertiary education or to land a job. While there are benefits to acquiring qualifications before going to work, I believe that it is better to become an employee right after school. On the one hand, it is relatively easy to comprehend the advantages of studying beyond school level. Firstly, it is easier for job seekers to be noticed as employers tend to look for candidates who have related degrees. An applicant who has a post-graduate degree might even find it effortless to obtain lucrative managerial positions in giant corporations such as Google or Microsoft. Secondly, making the way to university or college will give the students countless opportunities to gain valuable knowledge and enhance their collaboration skills while doing teamwork with other students to accomplish assignments or projects. Finally, university students could take advantage of the occasions where they can cultivate and forge the relationships with professors and peers. These kinds of social relationships could benefit them in furthering their career in a long-term policy. On the other hand, I would argue that pursuing employment after graduating seems crucial for high school students. The first reason is that working in an ideal environment could help students gain practical hands-on experiences instead of mere theological knowledge learned from textbooks. These empirical experiences could enable them to have quicker progress than the other university students and could earn rapid promotion in their careers. Besides, people who secure employment right after school are likely to become more financially independent as they do not have to rely upon their parents for recreational activities, and in some cases, living expenses. This financial independence could even allow them to fund further education if they decide to pursue it. In conclusion, I understand why a vast number of students choose to place emphasis on going to university or college. However, it seems to me that obtaining a job right after school is more favorable.
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
School leavers
usually
face the dilemma of whether to pursue tertiary education or to land a job. While there are benefits to acquiring qualifications
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
going to work, I believe that it is better to become an employee right after school.

On the one hand, it is
relatively
easy to comprehend the advantages of studying beyond
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
level.
Firstly
, it is easier for job seekers to
be noticed
as employers tend to look for candidates who have related degrees. An applicant who has a post-graduate degree might even find it effortless to obtain lucrative managerial positions in giant corporations such as Google or Microsoft.
Secondly
, making the way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
or college will give the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
countless opportunities to gain valuable knowledge and enhance their collaboration
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
while doing teamwork with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to accomplish assignments or projects.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
could take advantage of the occasions where they can cultivate and forge the relationships with professors and peers. These kinds of social relationships could benefit them in furthering their career in a long-term policy.

On the other hand
, I would argue that pursuing employment after graduating seems crucial for high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. The
first
reason is that working in an ideal environment could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
gain practical hands-on experiences
instead
of mere theological knowledge learned from textbooks. These empirical experiences could enable them to have quicker
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "progressed".
progress
than the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and could earn rapid promotion in their careers.
Besides
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who secure employment right after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
are likely to become more
financially
independent as they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
rely upon their parents for recreational activities, and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, living expenses. This financial independence could even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to fund
further
education if they decide to pursue it.

In conclusion
, I understand why a vast number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
choose to place emphasis on going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
or college.
However
, it seems to me that obtaining a job right after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is more favorable.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learn a new language and get a new soul.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay Some parents enjoy giving their children weekly spending money; for example, they may give their primary or middle school child a small amount of money each week to spend on whatever the child wants. Some people believe that this practice can cause childr v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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