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The charts below give information about travel to and from the UK, and about the most popular countries for UK residents to visit. v.1

The charts below give information about travel to and from the UK, and about the most popular countries for UK residents to visit. v. 1
Presently, most of the people are interested in the subjects, which helps them to pursue a job. So, the art exhibitions are reducing in certain nations, while the public visiting these functions are also decreasing. In this essay, I will debate the causes and solutions to this problem. Firstly, In modern days people are interested only in earning money rather than utilizing their spending by purchasing a valuable monument. Though they can encourage craft exhibitions by visiting, but these people were willing to spend their money on other activities. Secondly, the education curriculum in most of the universities is focused on co-curricular activities, while this helps them in securing a job. Besides, these are acting as one of the main causes in the decline of the painting. A research stated that 90% of the graduates do not have a basic awareness on handicrafts exhibitions and the reputation of art in their life. The government should try to change the teaching system to give equal importance to other activities along with studies. If the student can focus on the craft and other activities, it helps them to reduce stress and anxiety. As a result, the public, which were organized by the trainees, shows interest to see the art exhibitions. In conclusion, with changes in modern culture and lifestyle of the people had changed a lot, whereas the importance of education and employment had also mounted. Nevertheless, law enforcement agencies should change the education system, which gives priority to extra-curricular and co-curricular activities. Therefore, I opine that people should try to recognize the importance of handicrafts and other activities.
Presently
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are interested
in the subjects, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to pursue a job.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the art exhibitions are reducing in certain nations, while the public visiting these functions are
also
decreasing. In this essay, I will debate the causes and solutions to this problem.

Firstly
, In modern days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are interested
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in earning money
rather
than utilizing their spending by purchasing a valuable monument. Though they can encourage craft exhibitions by visiting,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were willing to spend their money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
Secondly
, the education curriculum in most of the universities
is focused
on co-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, while
Did you mean "these"?
this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them in securing a job.
Besides
, these are acting as one of the main causes in the decline of the painting.
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
A research
stated that 90% of the graduates do not have a basic awareness on handicrafts exhibitions and the reputation of art in their life.

The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the teaching system to give equal importance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
along with studies. If the student can focus on the craft and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and anxiety.
As a result
, the public, which
were organized
by the trainees,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
interest to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the art exhibitions.

In conclusion
, with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in modern culture and lifestyle of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
a lot, whereas the importance of education and employment had
also
mounted.
Nevertheless
, law enforcement agencies should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the education system, which gives priority to extra-curricular and co-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
Therefore
, I opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should try to recognize the importance of handicrafts and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay The charts below give information about travel to and from the UK, and about the most popular countries for UK residents to visit. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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