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The bar chart gives information about the number of car journeys into the city centre made by residents and non residents Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant v.1

The bar chart gives information about the number of car journeys into the city centre made by residents and non residents
There is no doubt that education has long played a crucial role in individuals’ lives; therefore, topics related to the teaching-learning environment has drawn people's attention, typically form of punishment in schools. While many people hold the idea that teachers should apply corporal punishment to students, I strongly oppose that viewpoint due to its counter-effects and negativity. The following paragraphs are the detailed analysis about my opinion. More specifically, in terms of influences, there are arguments advanced by opponents that corporal punishment will make students more obedient. However, with that kind of punishment, students will obviously follow instructions forcefully instead of the supposed free will. It is apparent that students treat such penalty as a threat, so they live in scared and cannot focus completely on studying. Moreover, there are several cases in which kids get hit, then being rude and talk back to their teachers. As a result physical punishment can create unexpected detrimental effects on students ranging from disobedience, stubborn and study-neglecting. On the other hand, other opponents also claim that certain parents allow teachers to use physical penalty with their kids, so there will be no resentment from parents, when it comes to negative attitudes from families. Although they permit teachers to punish physically, the majority of mothers and fathers still hurt and cannot fully accept the fact that other people attack their offsprings. Conflicts between families and educational establishments, consequently, occur on a more frequent basis, which can even result in student drop out. There are few Vietnamese parents are so angry that they are willing to let their children drop out just because teachers hit their children lightly with as ruler on their palms, for instance. In a nutshell, despite the fact that there are many people believe in corporal penalty because of its strictness and parents' permissions, I still advocate with the idea that there should be no room for that kind of punishment due to its counter-effects on students combining with negative attitudes from parents.
There is no doubt that education has long played a crucial role in individuals’
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
;
therefore
, topics related to the teaching-learning environment has drawn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's attention,
typically
form of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
in schools. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
hold the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
should apply corporal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, I
strongly
oppose that viewpoint due to its counter-effects and negativity. The following paragraphs are the detailed
In English, people don't say 'analysis about'. They say, 'analysis of'. Did you mean "analysis of"?
analysis about
my opinion.

More
specifically
, in terms of influences, there are arguments advanced by opponents that corporal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
more obedient.
However
, with that kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will
obviously
follow instructions
forcefully
instead
of the supposed free will. It is apparent that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
treat such penalty as a threat,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in scared and cannot focus completely on studying.
Moreover
, there are several cases in which kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
hit, then being rude and talk back to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
.
As a result
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
can create unexpected detrimental effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
ranging from disobedience, stubborn and study-neglecting.

On the other hand
, other opponents
also
claim that certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
physical penalty with their kids,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
there will be no resentment from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
attitudes from families. Although they permit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
to punish
physically
, the majority of mothers and fathers
still
hurt and cannot
fully
accept the fact that other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
attack their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
. Conflicts between families and educational establishments,
consequently
, occur on a more frequent basis, which can even result in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
drop out. There are few Vietnamese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
angry that they are willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their children drop out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
hit their children
lightly
with as ruler on their palms,
for instance
.

In a nutshell, despite the fact that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe in corporal penalty
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its strictness and parents' permissions, I
still
advocate with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that there should be no room for that kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
punishment
due to its counter-effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
combining with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
attitudes from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay The bar chart gives information about the number of car journeys into the city centre made by residents and non residents

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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