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Some parents believe that children should be given more time on their physical activities while other parents think that study must be priority of toddlers in their early ages. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some parents believe that children should be given more time on their physical activities while other parents think that study must be priority of toddlers in their early ages. v. 1
In this contemporary era, people often leave their homelands and take the family members with them in order to move overseas for pursuing a better employment opportunity. From my perspective, it would assist to learn cultural diversity and offer a quality lifestyle. This essay will highlight that this is certainly advantageous despite a few inevitable drawbacks. To commence with, one of the major benefits of moving aboard is getting an opportunity to learn the foreign cultures and linguistics. This is because the employees from every corner of the country arrive in the workplace. So, if a person develops a career in the foreign land, it will not only make them familiar with the working atmosphere, but also broads one's knowledge. For example, a recent survey reveals that every year thousand of the population moves to overseas for working, especially, countries like Japan, Korea which offers all the essential amenities. Moreover, another significant advantage is that the individuals maintain a sedimentary lifestyle. In other words, although the diligence and determination are required, one can earn an astronomical salary, which helps to fulfil the basic necessities of the family. Moreover, the children could be acquired a satisfactory education and behaviour in the foreign lands. To illustrate, every year, almost 50% of the Nepalese visits in the overseas with their entire family for improving the way of their lives. In contrast, despite all merits, there is some ill-effects of leaving the homeland. The major effect is that the brain drain hampers the enlightenment of a host nation. Although it furnishes the financial security, the rapid migration would demolish the national identity. In addition, if a child spends entire childhood there with their parents, he will gradually forget the cultural and traditional significance. For example, the immigrate could not concern about the preservation of the art gallery, museum and the history. In conclusion, in spite of eradicating the national identity, the migration in the second nation will support the person's overall development. Therefore, I tend to believe that with regards to family progress, the merits outweigh its shortcoming.
In this contemporary era,
people
often
leave
their homelands and take the
family
members with them in order to
move
overseas for pursuing a better employment opportunity. From my perspective, it would assist to learn cultural diversity and offer a quality lifestyle. This essay will highlight that this is
certainly
advantageous despite a few inevitable drawbacks.

To commence with, one of the major benefits of moving aboard is getting an opportunity to learn the foreign cultures and linguistics. This is
because
the employees from every corner of the country arrive in the workplace.
So
, if a person develops a career in the foreign land, it will not
only
make
them familiar with the working atmosphere,
but
also
broads one's knowledge.
For example
, a recent survey reveals that every year
thousand
of the population
moves
to overseas for working,
especially
, countries like Japan, Korea which offers all the essential amenities.

Moreover
, another significant advantage is that the individuals maintain a sedimentary lifestyle.
In other words
, although the diligence and determination
are required
, one can earn an astronomical salary, which
helps
to fulfil the
basic necessities
of the
family
.
Moreover
, the children could
be acquired
a satisfactory education and
behaviour
in the foreign lands. To illustrate, every year, almost 50% of the Nepalese visits in the overseas with their entire
family
for improving the way of their
lives
.

In contrast
, despite all merits, there is
some
ill-effects of leaving the homeland. The major effect is that the brain drain hampers the enlightenment of a host nation. Although it furnishes the financial security, the rapid migration would demolish the national identity.
In addition
, if a child spends entire childhood there with their parents, he will
gradually
forget the cultural and traditional significance.
For example
, the
immigrate
could not concern about the preservation of the art gallery, museum and the history.

In conclusion
,
in spite of
eradicating the national identity, the migration in the second nation will support the person's
overall
development.
Therefore
, I tend to believe that
with regards to
family
progress, the merits outweigh its shortcoming.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents believe that children should be given more time on their physical activities while other parents think that study must be priority of toddlers in their early ages. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
344 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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