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Many government think that economic growth is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Many government think that economic growth is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. v. 1
Today, there are several compelling issues in the world that necessitate immediate interventions such as global warming and war. Some believe this can only be solved through international cooperation rather than the efforts of a single country. I strongly agree with this view and think that all countries within their capabilities should help one another to resolve global crisis. Opponents of the above idea argue that there are certain matters within a territory which should not be intervened by the international community. Every sovereign state has their own constitution and policies regarding critical situations and do not entertain foreign interference. For instance, the current situation in Iran; it definitely may have hurdles with their regime or administration, but that does not call for another nation to massacre their citizen in the name of prevailing peace in the world. These kind of situation intensifies tension and may eventually lead to war killing thousands of innocent human lives. However, there remain strong reasons as why international cooperation is crucial in solving the most urgent concerns. Firstly, a few such crises like global warming, which is the result of over exploitation of resources not only by one nation, but more or less by all of them around the globe. Thus, this requires parallel intervention from all countries. For example, reduction in carbon emission, moving to sustainable resources for fuel, reducing pollution to name but a few are only possible when an agreement is drawn between international communities through mutual assistance. Other emergency situations like war at present does not seem to arise due to colonization like before, but because of greed over natural resources present in abundance in another land. For instance, conflicts in gulf region seem to be over oil reserves rather than fighting terrorism. Therefore, all the leaders of this planet should cooperate and come to an agreement in resolving affairs that put humanity in grave danger. In conclusion, although I appreciate certain matters can be ameliorated by domestic efforts and does not require outsiders to assist, whilst I strongly believe that most of the critical problems can be primarily solved through international consent.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, there are several compelling issues in the world that necessitate immediate interventions such as global warming and war.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe this can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be solved
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
cooperation
rather
than the efforts of a single country. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that all countries within their capabilities should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
one another to resolve global crisis.

Opponents of the above
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
argue that there are certain matters within a territory which should not
be intervened
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
community. Every sovereign state has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
constitution and policies regarding critical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
and do not entertain foreign interference.
For instance
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
in Iran; it definitely may have hurdles with their regime or administration,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that does not call for another nation to massacre their citizen in the name of prevailing peace in the world.
Did you mean "this kind" or "These kinds"?
These kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situation
intensifies tension and may
eventually
lead to war killing thousands of innocent human
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

However
, there remain strong reasons as why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
cooperation is crucial in solving the most urgent concerns.
Firstly
, a few such crises like global warming, which is the result of over exploitation of resources not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by one nation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
more or less by all of them around the globe.
Thus
, this requires parallel intervention from all countries.
For example
, reduction in carbon emission, moving to sustainable resources for fuel, reducing pollution to name
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a few are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
possible when an agreement
is drawn
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
communities through mutual assistance. Other emergency
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
situations
like war at present does not seem to arise due to colonization like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of greed over natural resources present in abundance in another land.
For instance
, conflicts in gulf region seem to be over oil reserves
rather
than fighting terrorism.
Therefore
, all the leaders of this planet should cooperate and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to an agreement in resolving affairs that put humanity in grave
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
.

In conclusion
, although I appreciate certain matters can
be ameliorated
by domestic efforts and does not require outsiders to assist, whilst I
strongly
believe that most of the critical problems can be
primarily
solved through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
consent.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many government think that economic growth is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
353 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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