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The chart shows the percentage of car manufacturer's total car sales in different regions from 2006 to 2010. v.1

The chart shows the percentage of car manufacturer's total car sales in different regions from 2006 to 2010. v. 1
The legal age, in some nations, for participating or doing activities that are thought to be only for adults is 18 years. These activities include drinking, driving and getting married. However, in some societies, it is illegal for adolescents aged 18 years to engage in these activities. In my opinion, I think young adults of 18 years are not old enough to make some life decisions. I acknowledge that some teenagers are forced to grow up faster than they should due to life circumstances. In these situations, they may be used to planning their lives with little or no parental guide and as a result, these juveniles may be able to handle doing some things while they are still young. Also, in most developed societies, most young adults own a car and drinking is not foreign to these individuals. While I acknowledge that some persons are capable of handling important issues in their teenage years, I think this freedom bestowed upon these individuals more often than not backfires. Young people can be given the opportunity to make basic life choices like their prospective colleges or course of study, but allowing adults of 18 years to drink, drive or get married is outrageous. This is because their brains are not yet developed to handle such responsibilities. For instance, studies have shown that couples that got married for 25 years and below are more likely to get a divorce than those who exchanged their wedding vows at 26 and above. It is therefore not surprising that the divorce rate in civilized societies has skyrocketed in recent years. Thus, young adults aged 18 years should not be saddled with these kinds of mandate. In conclusion, although the legal age of drinking, driving and getting married in some nations is 18 years, I think this threshold should be increased to at least 24 years, so that their brains at least get more developed.
The legal age, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations, for participating or doing activities that are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
is 18 years. These activities include drinking, driving and getting married.
However
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
societies, it is illegal for adolescents aged 18 years to engage in these activities. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
of 18 years are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
life decisions.

I acknowledge that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are forced
to grow up faster than they should due to life circumstances. In these situations, they may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to planning their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
or no parental guide and
as a result
, these juveniles may be able to handle doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
things while they are
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
.
Also
, in most developed societies, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
a car and drinking is not foreign to these individuals.

While I acknowledge that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
persons are capable of handling
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
issues in their teenage years, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this freedom bestowed upon these individuals more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
than not backfires.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
basic life choices like their prospective colleges or course of study,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
of 18 years to drink, drive or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married is outrageous. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their brains are not
yet
developed to handle such responsibilities.

For instance
, studies have shown that couples that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
married for 25 years and below are more likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a divorce than those who exchanged their wedding vows at 26 and above. It is
therefore
not surprising that the divorce rate in civilized societies has skyrocketed in recent years.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
aged 18 years should not
be saddled
with these kinds of mandate.

In conclusion
, although the legal age of drinking, driving and getting married in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations is 18 years, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this threshold should
be increased
to at least 24 years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that their brains at least
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more developed.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart shows the percentage of car manufacturer's total car sales in different regions from 2006 to 2010. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
319 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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