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The Graph below shows the working hours for men and women in the developingworld between the years 1998 to 2003. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons wherever necessary. v.1

The Graph below shows the working hours for men and women in the developingworld between the years 1998 to 2003.
Some people believe that regardless of their financial background many students struggles to get admitted to universities. I do not quite agree with this assertion, I believe that children from rich families finds it easy to get into a university. To begin with, many educational institution reserves specific amounts of seats for students from well to do families. This is done by levying capitation fees which cannot be afforded by the poor. It does not matter whether the students have poor grades they will be admitted regardless. In other words, pupils from affluent families can buy the seats even if they have a poor academic background. Furthermore, parents from rich families have many contacts with people in the top echelons, thus they can influence them and get seats for their kids. For instance, many rich people have strong connections with the deans and trustees of many institutions and could help them with fund raisers. With such influence sphere, it is obvious that rich parents can find seats well in advance. On the other hand, with less money and lesser influential sphere kids from poor families have to rely on scholarships for higher studies. In case if their bid for scholarship fails, then they might be looking at a grim future. Many poor students are likely to drop the course midway when compared to the rich, since the tuition fees involved are exorbitant and cannot be afforded. To recapitulate, it is easier for a child to get admitted to the university provided that he has enough money or influence. Conversely, it is quite difficult for students coming from non-affluent families because they have neither money nor people willing to recommend them for a seat.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that regardless of their financial background
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
struggles to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admitted to universities. I do not quite
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this assertion, I believe that children from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
finds it easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into a university.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
educational institution reserves specific amounts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seats
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
from
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. This
is done
by levying capitation fees which cannot
be afforded
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
. It does not matter whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
grades they will
be admitted
regardless.
In other words
, pupils from affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seats
even if they have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
academic background.
Furthermore
, parents from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
contacts with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the top echelons,
thus
they can influence them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seats
for their kids.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have strong connections with the deans and trustees of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
institutions and could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them with
This expression is normally spelled as one or with hyphen.
fund raisers
. With such influence sphere, it is obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
parents can find
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seats
well in advance.

On the other hand
, with less money and lesser influential sphere kids from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
rely on scholarships for higher studies. In case if their bid for scholarship fails, then they might be looking at a grim future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are likely to drop the course midway when compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
, since the tuition fees involved are exorbitant and cannot
be afforded
.

To recapitulate, it is easier for a child to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admitted to the university provided that he has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money or influence.
Conversely
, it is quite difficult for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
coming from non-affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have neither money nor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
willing to recommend them for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
seat
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay The Graph below shows the working hours for men and women in the developingworld between the years 1998 to 2003.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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