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the chart shows the average daily minimum and maximum level of air pollutants in 4 big cities in 2000 v.1

the chart shows the average daily minimum and maximum level of air pollutants in 4 big cities in 2000 v. 1
Obesity is one of the serious health issues that a lot of developed countries face today, yet many of them have difficulties to tackle the problem. However, despite providing healthy eating guidance is a good way to solve the issue, I do not agree that it is the best way. To begin with, it is undeniable that people having a healthy diet habit are crucial to improve their health status that would keep them away from obesity. In fact, people in modern society have more choices in what to eat, but they have little knowledge what the food they intake brings on their bodies. Likewise, many diseases regarding food like strokes and heart diseases are resulted from a lack of knowledge of healthy diet that can be solved by offering a proper healthy eating education by professional nutritionists. However, despite the truth that health behaviour can be changed by the nutrition education, I still believe that taxing heavily on sweets and fast food companies is way better to reduce the morbidity rate of obesity. Moreover, studies indicate that food contained too much sugar and oil is the main reason for obesity. Fast food restaurants like McDonald's, for example, offer cheap food that even younger generation can afford and they tend to frequent there after school. If the fast food restaurants are not affordable for people, they will find alternatives that offer better nutritious food. Finally, probably the best method of tackling the issue of obesity is a free check-up system in local hospitals. Usually, people cannot notice their bad nutritious habit and tend to overlook the first symptoms that can be detected easily from medical doctors at an early stage. Local clinics can offer free checkups for patients who have risks of obesity, since the guidance is most convincing when it is done by professionals like doctors. To sum up, although I acknowledge that giving education on healthy diet is a good way to treat the situation that people are more and more suffering from obesity today, I, however, believe that imposing heavy tax for sugar and fast food industries and setting a free check-up on obesity in local clinic are much better.
Obesity is one of the serious health issues that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
face
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
,
yet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them have difficulties to tackle the problem.
However
, despite providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
eating guidance is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to solve the issue, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that it is the best way.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
diet habit are crucial to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their health status that would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them away from obesity. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in modern society have more choices in what to eat,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
knowledge what the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
Possible mistake. Please verify.
they intake
brings on their bodies.
Likewise
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
like strokes and heart diseases
are resulted
from a lack of knowledge of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
diet that can
be solved
by offering a proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
eating education by professional nutritionists.

However
, despite the truth that health
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
by the nutrition education, I
still
believe that taxing
heavily
on sweets and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
is way better to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the morbidity rate of obesity.
Moreover
, studies indicate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
contained too much sugar and oil is the main reason for obesity.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
restaurants like McDonald's,
for example
, offer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
that even younger generation can
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
afford and
they tend to frequent there after school. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
restaurants are not affordable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, they will find alternatives that offer better nutritious food.

Finally
,
probably
the best method of tackling the issue of obesity is a free
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
-up system in local hospitals.
Usually
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cannot notice their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
nutritious habit and tend to overlook the
first
symptoms that can
be detected
easily
from medical doctors at an early stage. Local clinics can offer free checkups for patients who have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of obesity, since the guidance is most convincing when it
is done
by professionals like doctors.

To sum up, although I acknowledge that giving education on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
diet is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to treat the situation that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more and more suffering from obesity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, I,
however
, believe that imposing heavy tax for sugar and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
industries and setting a free
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
-up on obesity in local clinic are much better.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay the chart shows the average daily minimum and maximum level of air pollutants in 4 big cities in 2000 v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
363 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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