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The chart illustrates the proportion of males and females living in a province and using bicycles in 5 different age groups in 2011. v.1

The chart illustrates the proportion of males and females living in a province and using bicycles in 5 different age groups in 2011. v. 1
It is often considered by a section of society that the new technologies are building humans more social, whereas another part of society believes that it is making an individual less sociable. However, this approach includes both the negative as well as positive impacts. This essay shall discuss the both arguments in subsequent paragraphs. To commence with, rapid growth of modern technologies is making the world faster and easier to communicate. For example, in the past decades, peoples were used to write the letters to their relatives or family members which almost took 7 to 8 days to reach there, but nowadays, it is normal to contact your close ones by sending the messages via phone or emails. In addition, with the help of social sites such as Facebook and so on, an individual is able to get the updates of their love ones. On the other hand, an excessive use of the new online tools generally leads to the negative impacts on the society. For instance, due to the rapid growth of the online connectivity, peoples are not being able to get physically touch to the other beings. New technology makes an individual life more convenient whereas, physical support is necessary to close members. In addition, when you personally meet your friends, it shows the love and affection towards them. In fact, it builds the deep connections among them. In conclusion, new technologies are making people less sociable and irresponsible towards their families. Therefore, it is so important to stay in touch with your loved ones. It builds the strong and deep connection between peoples.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
considered by a section of society that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
are building humans more social, whereas another part of society believes that it is making an individual less sociable.

However
, this approach includes both the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts. This essay shall discuss the both arguments in subsequent paragraphs.

To commence with, rapid growth of modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
is making the world faster and easier to communicate.
For example
, in the past decades,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to write the letters to their relatives or family members which almost took 7 to 8 days to reach there,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
nowadays, it is normal to contact your close
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
by sending the messages via phone or emails.
In addition
, with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of social sites such as Facebook and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, an individual is able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the updates of their
Did you mean "loved ones"?
love ones
.

On the other hand
, an excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
online tools
generally
leads to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on the society.
For instance
, due to the rapid growth of the online connectivity,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
are not being able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
physically
touch to the other beings.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
New
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
an individual life more convenient whereas, physical support is necessary to close members.
In addition
, when you
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
your friends, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and affection towards them. In fact, it builds the deep connections among them.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
conclusion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
are making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
less sociable and irresponsible towards their families.
Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to stay in touch with your
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
. It builds the strong and deep
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart illustrates the proportion of males and females living in a province and using bicycles in 5 different age groups in 2011. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
266 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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