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The chart gives information about the number and purposes of trips made by men and women in one year in a certain European country Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main feature and make comparisons where relevant v.1

The chart gives information about the number and purposes of trips made by men and women in one year in a certain European country
Some masses ponder that offsprings should give a choice to take autonomous decisions. While others think that it is not accurate to make any judgement independently at this early age. I agreed with the latter statement. I will elaborate my view of point with valid arguments in the successive paragraphs. To begin with, the age of the adolescents is vulnerable. They do not know about the appropriate and atrocious things. Because, they do not have too much experience of life at this stage. Their accord may be incorrect. Even one wrong decision, the Redressal to be paid to the recovery of it. So, they should not be taken any resolution separately. To illustrate, if infants choose the inexact career and academic in their life. This will spoil their lives or waste the precious years of their lives. They may go into the deep stress due to this. Therefore, offsprings should not be authorised for taking imperative judgement. Further move, they may fetch into the crummy associations. They may habituate of the narcotic products such as alcohol, smoke et cetera. It may infect their livelihood. Therefore, toddlers should not opine themselves ideally. Moreover, they may walk on the incorrect path with their invaluable determination. Adolescents may enter into the crime world that will influence their liveliness. It may also a bad influence on their families. Thus, they should not be allowed. In a nutshell, kids should not grant for their self-reliant judgements. Parents and guardians should understand own responsibility to help their kids to take the accurate accord of their life and support to them. So that, they will early succeed in their life and accomplish their ambitions as soon as possible without any difficulty.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
masses ponder that
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
should give a choice to take autonomous decisions.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is not accurate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
any judgement
independently
at this early age. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
with the latter statement. I will elaborate my view of point with valid arguments in the successive paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the age of the adolescents is vulnerable. They do not know about the appropriate and atrocious things.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
, they do not have too much experience of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
at this stage. Their accord may be incorrect. Even one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
decision, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Redressal
to
be paid
to the recovery of it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they should not
be taken
any resolution
separately
. To illustrate, if infants choose the inexact career and academic in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. This will spoil their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
or waste the precious years of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. They may go into the deep
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
due to this.
Therefore
,
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
should not be
Possible spelling mistake. 'authorised' is British English.
authorised
for taking imperative judgement.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Further
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
, they may fetch into the crummy associations. They may habituate of the narcotic products such as alcohol, smoke
Possible spelling mistake found.
et cetera
. It may infect their livelihood.
Therefore
, toddlers should not opine themselves
ideally
.
Moreover
, they may walk on the incorrect path with their invaluable determination. Adolescents may enter into the crime world that will influence their liveliness. It may
also
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influence on their families.
Thus
, they should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
.

In a nutshell, kids should not grant for their self-reliant judgements. Parents and guardians should understand
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
responsibility to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their kids to take the accurate accord of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and support to them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
that, they will early succeed in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and accomplish their ambitions as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible without any difficulty.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart gives information about the number and purposes of trips made by men and women in one year in a certain European country

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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