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The bar chart bellow shows the perecntage of australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main feature and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

The bar chart bellow shows the perecntage of australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
Many people think that it is beneficial to give and take as much knowledge in the field of science, academics and business areas. While others have an opinion that some things are too worthy to be discussed with others. In this essay I will discuss both the views and give my opinion. Firstly, I would like to talk about the significance of sharing information. Many have a view that everybody should be treated equal in this world and there should not be any discrimination based on studies or science. They should be given equal opportunity to get exposed to such things and walk together towards success. There are many scientists who have made inventions and have shared it to the world for free. For example, Newton's law of motion, Einstein's law of energy. If such great scientists would have acted selfish the world wouldn't have progressed. Also, during a pandemic if a particular country is successful in creating a vaccine they should share with everyone and act selflessly, because it would be for the sole purpose to save mankind. On the other hand, many believe that such knowledge is too personal to be shared with others for free. Scientists have spent many years and done tonnes of experiment to have a successful research, so they should be rewarded accordingly. There are many business formulas which businessmen are assured that they are unique and have worked hard to get it implemented and that's the reason they think they should get enough returns out of it. For example, Evon Musk, the owner of the Tesla Company, came up with this unique idea of manufacturing battery operated vehicles. He believes this is an alternative to the depleting natural resources like petrol and diesel. Moreover, they will not cause pollution too. For all this extensive work and innovative idea the inventors feel to get rewarded. To conclude, I would say any person would like to make progress, make money and get rich from the hard work it has done in making the idea successful, but at the same time it is important to share it with the nature in an easy manner to make sure others don't fall back. In my opinion, God has not made everybody the same. Some folks have more capability while others have less. It is the duty of mankind to share, care and make sure to walk together towards success.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is beneficial to give and take as much knowledge in the field of science, academics and business areas.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
others have an opinion that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
things are too worthy to
be discussed
with others. In this essay I will discuss both the views and give my opinion.

Firstly
, I would like to talk about the significance of sharing information.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
have a view that everybody should
be treated
equal in this world and there should not be any discrimination based on studies or science. They should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
equal opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
exposed to such things and walk together towards success. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
scientists who have made inventions and have shared it to the world for free.
For example
, Newton's law of motion, Einstein's law of energy.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
such great scientists
Did you mean "had acted"?
would have acted
selfish the world wouldn't have progressed.
Also
, during a pandemic if a particular country is successful in creating a vaccine they should share with everyone and act
selflessly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it would be for the sole purpose to save mankind.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
believe that such knowledge is too personal to
be shared
with others for free.

Scientists have spent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years and done tonnes of experiment to have a successful research,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they should
be rewarded
accordingly
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
business formulas which businessmen
are assured
that they are unique and have worked
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
it implemented and that's the reason they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
returns out of it.
For example
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Evon
Musk, the owner of the Tesla
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Company
, came up with this unique
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of manufacturing battery operated vehicles. He believes this is an alternative to the depleting natural resources like petrol and diesel.
Moreover
, they will not cause pollution too. For all this extensive work and innovative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
the inventors feel to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rewarded.

To conclude
, I would say any person would like to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
progress,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
money and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rich from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work it has done in making the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
successful,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at the same time it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to share it with the nature
Consider replacing "in an easy manner" with the adverb for "easy"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an easy manner
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
sure others don't fall back. In my opinion, God has not made everybody the same.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
folks have more capability while others have less. It is the duty of mankind to share, care and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
sure to walk together towards success.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart bellow shows the perecntage of australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
401 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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