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The chart below shows the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations according to a Canadian study. v.1

The chart below shows the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations according to a Canadian study. v. 1
In recent days people migrate to other countries which has a major impact on our society. This essay will discuss about the pros and cons of migrating to other countries. Firstly, the main reason for immigration is people need a better and secure lifestyle, they can earn more money than their own country and can lead to a better and safe living condition. Because of the extra allowances like medical, education and so on, many people are interested to immigrate to other countries and the percentage increase is comparatively greater than past years. For example, in India, even though many people are highly educated, but they are not getting enough payment with respect to their education. In order to get higher wages and to improve their lifestyle they opt to migrate to other developed countries for the benefit of their career as well as family. On the other hand, there is some major impact on the society, because if many people immigrate to other foreign countries their manpower and knowledge goes for the improvement of that particular country. If these people work for their own nation, they can rise the nation to a developed one. Moreover the people refuse to come back to their mother country which may cause to reduce the bond between the family members. New generation children forget about the family culture and they even don't know his or her family members. In conclusion, if the mother country gives more wages and benefits many people will contribute to the improvement of their own nation. On the other hand life after immigration may not become fruitful, they have to face many difficulties throughout. Make sure they do not fail is these crucial circumstances and have the ability to lead a successful life.
In recent days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
migrate to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
which has a major impact on our society. This essay will
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
pros and cons of migrating to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries.

Firstly
, the main reason for immigration is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need a better and secure lifestyle, they can earn more money than their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and can lead to a better and safe living condition.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the extra allowances like medical, education and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are interested
to immigrate to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
and the percentage increase is
comparatively
greater than past years.
For example
, in India,
even though
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
highly
educated,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they are not getting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
payment with respect to their education. In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
higher wages and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their lifestyle they opt to migrate to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
for the benefit of their career
as well
as family.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
major impact on the society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
immigrate to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
foreign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
their manpower and knowledge goes for the improvement of that particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. If these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
work for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
nation, they can rise the nation to a developed one.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
refuse to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back to their mother
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
which may cause to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the bond between the family members. New generation children forget about the family
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
culture and
they even don't know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
family members.

In conclusion
, if the mother
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
gives more wages and benefits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will contribute to the improvement of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
nation. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand life after immigration may not become fruitful, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
difficulties throughout.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Make
sure they do not fail is these crucial circumstances and have the ability to lead a successful life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart below shows the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations according to a Canadian study. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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