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Some people prefer occupations in which they work primarily with machines. Others prefer occupations in which they work mainly with people. Which type of occupation do you prefer? v.2

Some people prefer occupations in which they work primarily with machines. Others prefer occupations in which they work mainly with people. Which type of occupation do you prefer? v. 2
In work places people are engaged in different range of duties. All these responsibilities are divided in to two categories, the ones in which people should handle machinery activities and the ones in which they are working with other people. Although, a large number of jobs require to basically manipulate with machines, I would rather have a job including working with other people. The following essay deals with the reasons supporting this point of view. Undoubtedly, a considerable number of occupations deal with managing and conducting machinery processes. One reason is that some works are based on practical activities rather than controlling or managing. For instance, in production line of a factory workers should fulfill the pragmatic careers and work with some industrial tools and facilities. Otherwise, the manager of this plant never do such these experimental works directly and just govern the process of production. Another reason is that, some deftly skills and abilities to control the specific machines and apparatus are necessary to meet the requirements of some proficient mechanical jobs. Therefore, spending a great amount of time coping with some special systems would be inevitable. However, I personally prefer working in a position that I am in communication with other people rather than working for long hours with some metal machines. First, I think that when I work with others I can benefit from their knowledge and experiences to improve my abilities. For example, there would be the possibility of taking advantage of beneficial experiments of an adroit colleague. Second, I feel more satisfied and happy while I am among other people and enjoy their company. Since, communicating others not only makes me experience different relationships, but also provides the opportunity of making new friends who can influence my life effectively. Finally, it can be concluded that although working with machines might be an obligatory career in some jobs, I would strongly prefer to work in an area that I am accompanied with other people and I have the chance to interact with them.
In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
places
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are engaged
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
range of duties. All these responsibilities
are divided
Did you mean "into" (or 'in two')?
in to
two categories, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should handle machinery activities and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
in which they are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Although,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
require to
basically
manipulate with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
, I would
rather
have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The following essay deals with the reasons supporting this point of view.

Undoubtedly
, a considerable number of occupations deal with managing and conducting machinery processes. One reason is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
works
are based
on practical activities
rather
than controlling or managing.
For instance
, in production line of a factory workers should fulfill the pragmatic careers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
industrial tools and facilities.
Otherwise
, the manager of this plant never do such these experimental works
directly
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
govern the process of production. Another reason is that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
deftly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and abilities to control the specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
and apparatus are necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the requirements of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
proficient mechanical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
Therefore
, spending a great amount of time coping with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
special systems would be inevitable.

However
, I
personally
prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
in a position that I am in communication with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for long hours with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
metal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
.
First
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that when I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with others I can benefit from their knowledge and experiences to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
my abilities.
For example
, there would be the possibility of taking advantage of beneficial experiments of an adroit colleague. Second, I feel more satisfied and happy while I am among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and enjoy their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. Since, communicating others not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
me experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
relationships,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
provides the opportunity of making new friends who can influence my life
effectively
.

Finally
, it can
be concluded
that although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
machines
might be an obligatory career in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, I would
strongly
prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in an area that I am
The usual collocation for "accompany" is "by," not "with." It is better to say this: "accompanied by".
accompanied with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and I have the chance to interact with them.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people prefer occupations in which they work primarily with machines. Others prefer occupations in which they work mainly with people. Which type of occupation do you prefer? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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