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Some people prefer occupations in which they work primarily with machines. Others prefer occupations in which they work mainly with people. Which type of occupation do you prefer? v.1

Some people prefer occupations in which they work primarily with machines. Others prefer occupations in which they work mainly with people. Which type of occupation do you prefer? v. 1
Nowadays, youngsters have been engrossed in playing computer games and they prefer to stay indoors rather than playing outdoors like sports. Firstly, this essay will discuss the negative impacts of spending longer hours in doing virtual games. Secondly, this will also discuss some positive developments that a child can acquire in playing video games. On the one hand, excessive gaming can have an adverse effect on a child’s health as they spend more time sitting in from of the monitor instead of playing sports. The consistent playing of games has been associated with obesity due to lack of physical activity among players. A number of studies show that children in the Philippines spend 35% of their waking hours playing video games and this has been linked in rise of Body Mass Index (BMI). Additionally, constant glare from the screen can also harm the child's eyesight in the long run, which may result to headache and dizziness and in some cases, nausea and vomiting. On the other hand, there is some positive significance of playing computer games which involve the enhancement of mental skills of a child such as quick thinking, making fast analysis and decision. The action in virtual games makes the gamers to make a smart decision every second of the game, giving the brain a real workout and it could be a training tool for real-world situations. Moreover, it primes the brain the brain to make quick decisions. According to some cognitive scientists, simulation games can be used to train soldiers, surgeons and pilots which attempt to mimic the visual representation of the world to which they make correct decisions every time. In conclusion, more and more children are having fond of doing indoor games. The positive impact depends on the games that a child chooses to play, however; too much playing can really have a negative impact to a child especially on its health conditions.
Nowadays, youngsters have
been engrossed
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
games and
they prefer to stay indoors
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
outdoors like sports.
Firstly
, this essay will discuss the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts of spending longer hours in doing virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Secondly
, this will
also
discuss
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
developments that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
can acquire in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video games.

On the one hand, excessive gaming can have an adverse effect on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
health as they spend more time sitting in from of the monitor
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
sports. The consistent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has
been associated
with obesity due to lack of physical activity among players. A number of studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that children in the Philippines spend 35% of their waking hours
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and this has
been linked
in rise of Body Mass Index (BMI).
Additionally
, constant glare from the screen can
also
harm the child's eyesight in the long run, which may result to headache and dizziness and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, nausea and vomiting.

On the other hand
, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
significance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
which involve the enhancement of mental
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
such as quick thinking, making
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
analysis and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
. The action in virtual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
the gamers to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
a smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
every second of the game, giving the brain a real workout and it could be a training tool for real-world situations.
Moreover
, it primes
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "the brain".
the brain the brain
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
quick
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
. According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cognitive scientists, simulation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to train soldiers, surgeons and pilots which attempt to mimic the visual representation of the world to which they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
correct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
every time.

In conclusion
, more and more children are having fond of doing indoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact depends on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
chooses to play,
however
; too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
can
really
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
especially
on its health conditions.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people prefer occupations in which they work primarily with machines. Others prefer occupations in which they work mainly with people. Which type of occupation do you prefer? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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