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The chart below show reasons for travel and the main issues for the travelling public in the US in 2009. v.1

The chart below show reasons for travel and the main issues for the travelling public in the US in 2009. v. 1
It is irrefutable that education is an important pillar in any human civilisation. In recent times, kids spend a significant amount of time watching television. Some people consider television as a reason behind less educated children, while they consider book as a prime source of knowledge. I tend to agree with this statement as people envisage creativity by reading books and try to look for motivation. The most significant factor of reading is the application of knowledge. In other words, everyone has knowledge depending on their field, but the problem is implementation. Reading helps in resolving an issue by suggesting a few ways of implementation, which can be useful in the field of work. To illustrate this, Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft, reads at least a book, over a weekend and try to implement those learnings in the following week. As a result, he is able to resolve issues in a far superior way than required with a better outcome. On the other hand, television has always been a source of entertainment. There are a handful of shows that concentrate on education, but their rating is far lower than other. For example, a research conducted by an organization reported that the children who watch more television have a lower IQ. Also, it was reported as the 'stupid box' by the teachers, as it makes children do stupid things in the school. A solution to this is parents should, along with their children regularly read books, this will indulge them in a habit of reading from an early age. In conclusion, despite television being a great source of entertainment, has less or no learning involved. In my opinion, books are and have always been the main source of knowledge, which has helped many individual's to accomplish goals in different field of work.
It is irrefutable that education is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
pillar in any human
Possible spelling mistake. 'civilisation' is British English.
civilisation
. In recent times, kids spend a significant amount of time watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
as a reason behind less educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, while they consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
as a prime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
source
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
. I tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
envisage creativity by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
and try to look for motivation.

The most significant factor of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
is the application of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
.
In other words
, everyone has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
depending on their field,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the problem is implementation.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Reading
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in resolving an issue by suggesting a few ways of implementation, which can be useful in the field of work. To illustrate this, Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft, reads at least a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
book
, over a weekend and try to implement those learnings in the following week.
As a result
, he is able to resolve issues in a far superior
Use "(way)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
way
than required with a better outcome.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
has always been a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
source
of entertainment. There are a
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "handfuls", "handsful"?
handful
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that concentrate on education,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
their rating is far lower than other.
For example
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
conducted by an organization reported that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
have a lower IQ.
Also
, it
was reported
as the 'stupid box' by the teachers, as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do stupid things in the school. A solution to this is parents should, along with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
regularly
read
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
, this will indulge them in a habit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reading
from an early age.

In conclusion
, despite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
being a great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
source
of entertainment, has less or no learning involved. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
are and have always been the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
source
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
, which has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
The possessive apostrophe seems to be incorrect. Please remove the apostrophe if you want to use the plural form of 'individual'.
individual's
to accomplish goals in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
field of work.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay The chart below show reasons for travel and the main issues for the travelling public in the US in 2009. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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