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The chart below displays the shares of expenditure on selected categories in the United States, Canada, the UK and Japan in 2009. v.1

The chart below displays the shares of expenditure on selected categories in the United States, Canada, the UK and Japan in 2009. v. 1
Electronic transactions are gradually replacing the traditional banking system and the usage of banknotes is being supplanted by credit and debit cards. The transformation towards a cashless society might be slow, but steady and widespread. This paradigm shift has both positive and negative consequences and this essay deals both with them. Primarily, electronic transactions and plastic card payments are more convenient and they are processed on the go. People neither have to carry a bulk amount of cash nor write a check - which usually takes a couple of days to clear the cash. The electronic payment system is global in nature and hassle-free. Consequently, the eCommerce industry has flourished and many individuals have their own online business without any brick and mortar shop. For instance, nowadays it has become pretty easy to shop with a VISA or a Master card, virtually from anywhere in the world. Personally, I hate standing in a long queue to pay my utility bills, and my cards let me do it from home - a time saver indeed. On the contrary, the trend does not come without negative aspects. Although we can use these cards due to technological advancement, the risks of using plastic money, however, pertain to this technology. The primary threat to such payment mode is cybersecurity and hacking. For example, once a credit card is cloned or its sensitive data is hacked, the owner would suffer a great financial loss. A technology giant like Facebook has failed to protect its user data, for example, and the misuse of user data is a global concern. Same goes for the plastic cards and online payment systems that have the same vulnerability. To conclude, albeit some adverse effects the use of plastic money for making and receiving payments is the need of the hour. It provides a plethora of advantages, but we have to be careful of its use.
Electronic transactions are
gradually
replacing the traditional banking system and the usage of banknotes is
being supplanted
by credit and debit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cards
. The transformation towards a cashless society might be slow,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
steady and widespread. This paradigm shift has both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences and this essay deals both with them.

Primarily
, electronic transactions and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plastic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
card
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payments
are more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
convenient and
they
are processed
on the go.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
neither
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
carry a bulk amount of cash nor write a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
which
usually
takes a couple of days to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
the cash. The electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payment
system is global in nature and hassle-free.
Consequently
, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
eCommerce
industry has flourished and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
online business without any brick and mortar shop.
For instance
, nowadays it has become pretty easy to shop with a VISA or a Master
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
card
,
virtually
from anywhere in the world.
Personally
, I hate standing in a long queue to pay my utility bills, and my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cards
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me do it from home
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
a time saver
indeed
.

On the contrary
, the trend does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
without
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects. Although we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cards
due to technological advancement, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plastic
money,
however
, pertain to this technology. The primary threat to such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payment
mode is cybersecurity and hacking.
For example
, once a credit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
card
is cloned
or its sensitive data
is hacked
, the owner would suffer a great financial loss. A technology giant like Facebook has failed to protect its user data,
for example
, and the misuse of user data is a global concern. Same goes for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plastic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cards
and online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payment
systems that have the same vulnerability.

To conclude
, albeit
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
adverse effects the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
plastic
money for making and receiving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
payments
is the need of the hour. It provides a plethora of advantages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be careful of its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The chart below displays the shares of expenditure on selected categories in the United States, Canada, the UK and Japan in 2009. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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