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The bar chart belw shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009. v.1

The bar chart belw shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009. v. 1
In the age of information and technology, children’s leisure pursuits are predominantly associated with computer games rather than sporting activities. This fundamental phenomenon, in my opinion, is detrimental to children and can be attributed to a few reasons. There are two factors that might explain why children prefer playing video games to doing sports. To begin with, it is noticeable that young adolescents are being prematurely introduced to electronic games. Most youngsters in the modern world are indulging in everything virtual-related, which has formed a habit of playing computerized games among children as a favourite type of entertainment compared to sports. Moreover, the lack of encouragement to play sports also contributes to children’s preference for electronic games. Many parents nowadays are quite busy with their heavy workload and hence neglectful of their children’s physical development. As a result, young kids are often forced to seek for alternative recreational activities other than sports, and computer games reigns supreme thanks to their accessibility. Given the prevalence of computer games among children, it is crucial for us to acknowledge any potential drawback that these easily addicted pastimes could offer. If children of any age take up the habit of over-consuming video games, it may likely lead to a sedentary lifestyle and various types of health risk. Fatal diseases such as obesity or diabetes would be common since enjoyed a captivating action-packed computerized game is also synonymous with hours of being physically inactive on end. Apart from that, children’s social life could be critically affected because they spend a considerable amount of time online instead of communicating with real people. Therefore, their social skills are not cultivated properly to adapt to any actual situation that involve human interaction. In conclusion, the increasing popularity of video games among children over sports can be attributed to the parents and their insufficient support towards sporting activities. In the long run, this will have negative effects towards these young kids’ health condition and damage their social life.
In the age of information and technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
leisure pursuits are
predominantly
associated with computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
rather
than sporting activities. This fundamental phenomenon, in my opinion, is detrimental to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and can
be attributed
to a few reasons.

There are two factors that might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
prefer playing video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
to doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is noticeable that young adolescents are being
prematurely
introduced to electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. Most youngsters in the modern world are indulging in everything virtual-related, which has formed a habit of playing computerized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as a
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
type of entertainment compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
Moreover
, the lack of encouragement to play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
also
contributes to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
preference for electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
parents nowadays are quite busy with their heavy workload and
hence
neglectful of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
physical development.
As a result
, young kids are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
forced to seek for alternative recreational activities other than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, and computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
reigns supreme thanks to their accessibility.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
the prevalence of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, it is crucial for us to acknowledge any potential drawback that these
easily
addicted pastimes could offer. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of any age take up the habit of over-consuming video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, it may likely lead to a sedentary lifestyle and various types of health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
. Fatal diseases such as obesity or diabetes would be common since enjoyed a captivating action-packed computerized game is
also
synonymous with hours of being
physically
inactive on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
. Apart from that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
social life could be
critically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they spend a considerable amount of time online
instead
of communicating with real
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Therefore
, their social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are not cultivated
properly
to adapt to any actual situation that involve human interaction.

In conclusion
, the increasing popularity of video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
can
be attributed
to the parents and their insufficient support towards sporting activities. In the long run, this will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects towards these young kids’ health condition and damage their social life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart belw shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
329 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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