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Bar chart: Shares of expenditures for selected categories, United States, Canada, United Kingdom and Japan, 2009. v.1

Bar chart: Shares of expenditures for selected categories, United States, Canada, United Kingdom and Japan, 2009. v. 1
High school children these days are under great pressure of completing different tasks for their academics. However, some people suggest that in this busy schedule, time should be taken to be a part of unpaid community service and I totally agree with this view as participating in unpaid community service transforms the students into better individuals as well as boosts their motivation. To begin with, a school’s role is not only to teach students about academic subjects, but also to imbibe some fundamental qualities like, to be a good citizen of the country. To explain further, a student is well learned only when he possesses good qualities and has a right attitude towards the society along with being successful at studies. Such a student who is helpful and is educated will build a better nation. So, unpaid community service should be a part of student academics. Another point to note is that while helping others, students get a great sense of satisfaction which indeed helps them forget all the stress that they obtain due to academics. For instance, when I was at school, I took part in community services, and I felt great pleasure when I helped some local children who needed some tuition. The smile that I had seen on the faces of children that I helped, gave me more motivation to study and become more helpful to others. Therefore, unpaid community programs should be encouraged in schools. In a nutshell, students get overall education and feel stress relief by being a part of voluntary community service. Therefore, school management should include unpaid community service as part of high school programmes.
High
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
children these days are under great pressure of completing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
tasks for their academics.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suggest that in this busy schedule, time should
be taken
to be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
and I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view as participating in unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
transforms the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
into better individuals
as well
as boosts their motivation.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school’s
role is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
about academic subjects,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to imbibe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fundamental qualities like, to be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
citizen of the country. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
further
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
is well learned
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when he possesses
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
qualities and has a right attitude towards the society along with being successful at studies. Such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
who is helpful and
is educated
will build a better nation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
should be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
academics.

Another point to note is that while helping others,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a great sense of satisfaction which
indeed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them forget all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
that they obtain due to academics.
For instance
, when I was at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, I took
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
, and I felt great pleasure when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
local children who needed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
tuition. The smile that I had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
on the faces of children that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
, gave me more motivation to study and become more helpful to others.
Therefore
, unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
programs should
be encouraged
in schools.

In a nutshell,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
overall
education and feel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
relief by being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
management should include unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Bar chart: Shares of expenditures for selected categories, United States, Canada, United Kingdom and Japan, 2009. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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