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Shares of expenditures for selected categories, United States, Canada, United Kingdom and Japan, 2009. v.1

Shares of expenditures for selected categories, United States, Canada, United Kingdom and Japan, 2009. v. 1
Automobile ownership has dramatically increased over the past 30 years. While, many cities in the world have been suffering from transportation jam. In my opinion, the statement is right. Nowadays, family structure has changed from joint family to nuclear family, though, one automobile is needed for a joint family before. But, need is increased because of splitting of family into nuclear. , people buy cars in order to show-off their social status. Also, People believe owning a car is a visible luxury. In the olden era only affluent family could afford to buy cars. But nowadays, all can afford to buy automobiles like cars. These all are behind the travel congestion in metropolitan cities. Moreover, Infrastructure of major cities has not changed in spite of rapid advancements. Like, technology and manufacturing of automobiles has been progressing day by day. But the size of streets remains unchanged. It might be affecting the freight gridlock. The government has to take a lot of measures in order to discourage people from using their cars. Firstly, The government should expand the streets. By widening of the roads, it will decrease the road congestion. Along with, the authority has to control the influx of manpower and introduce some service rules. Not only to control shipment, but higher authority has to provide convenient alternation for transportation. It should offer safer, faster, services to attract masses. So it will induce the use of public transportation rather than own vehicles. In conclusion, even though car ownership has increased over past 30 years, by expanding the streets and providing some accessible public services, the government can tackle the problem.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Automobile
ownership has
dramatically
increased over the past 30 years.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cities in the world have been suffering from transportation jam. In my opinion, the statement is right.

Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
structure has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
from joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
to nuclear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, though, one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
automobile
is needed
for a joint
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, need
is increased
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of splitting of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
into nuclear.
Loose punctuation mark.
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
-off their social status.
Also
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
believe owning a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
is a visible luxury. In the olden era
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
affluent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
could afford to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
nowadays, all can afford to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
automobiles
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
. These all are behind the travel congestion in metropolitan cities.
Moreover
, Infrastructure of major cities has not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
rapid advancements. Like, technology and manufacturing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
automobiles
has been progressing day by day.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the size of streets remains unchanged. It might be affecting the freight gridlock.

The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
measures in order to discourage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from using their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cars
.
Firstly
, The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should expand the streets. By widening of the roads, it will decrease the road congestion. Along with, the authority
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
control the influx of manpower and introduce
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
service
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to control shipment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
higher authority
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
provide convenient alternation for transportation. It should offer safer, faster, services to attract masses.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it will induce the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of public transportation
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
vehicles.

In conclusion
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
ownership has increased over past 30 years, by expanding the streets and providing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
accessible public services, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can tackle the problem.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Shares of expenditures for selected categories, United States, Canada, United Kingdom and Japan, 2009. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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