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The camera has changed the way we look at the world and the way that we celebrate special occasions. v.2

The camera has changed the way we look at the world and the way that we celebrate special occasions. v. 2
Nowadays, visual systems have revolutionised humans’ lives. People of the world have a better view of their surroundings by using a camera. I personally believe that recording of live events, using of visual effects in movies and availability to more equipped cameras in news are three important reasons behind it. Obviously, recording of live national celebrations and satellite TV programmes, producers these days are able to broadcast different nations’ cultures to the world. For instance, the U. S. Citizens have become familiar with Asians’ cultures far easier due to accessing better to the live events shown on Satellite or the Internet. However, in the past, they only had to find them in magazines, newspapers or sometimes local flyers. The second reason behind it is that watching movies, people can recognise better other lifestyles. Definitely, since the introduction of the camera, western culture has become more understandable to other nations because they are always exposed to visual scenes related to western countries, shown on television. As a prime example, Jeans, a very popular fashion in the U. S. A. , became a common type of wearing as they were shown in western movies, and now even in very remote areas of Africa people used to use these clothes. Lastly, we can see viewers have deeper concepts to the reports broadcasted on the media. Had not the camera been invented, individuals would not have accessed to such high qualities of these visual scenes, while now they can immediately watch live news, including other countries’ festivals, national celebrations or worldwide sports championships. For example, I became familiar with the Chinese’s festivals shown on BBC news. Watching it led me to know more about these people’s habits, food or their ceremonies. In conclusion, by using the camera, more details of humans’ lives have been figured out. I give a green light to this device because it has been extremely influential not only in the movie but in news or other live programs shown on TV.
Nowadays, visual systems have
Possible spelling mistake. 'revolutionised' is British English.
revolutionised
humans’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
of the world have a better view of their surroundings by using a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
camera
. I
personally
believe that recording of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, using of visual effects in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
and availability to more equipped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cameras
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
are three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reasons behind it.

Obviously
, recording of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
national celebrations and satellite TV
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
, producers these days are able to broadcast
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations’ cultures to the world.
For instance
, the U. S. Citizens have become familiar with Asians’ cultures far easier due to accessing better to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
shown on Satellite or the Internet.
However
, in the past, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
had to find them in magazines, newspapers or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
local flyers.

The second reason behind it is that watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
Possible spelling mistake. 'recognise' is British English.
recognise
better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
lifestyles. Definitely, since the introduction of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
camera
, western culture has become more understandable to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
nations
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are always exposed to visual scenes related to western countries, shown on television. As a prime example, Jeans, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular fashion in the U. S. A.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
became a common type of wearing as they
were shown
in western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
even in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
remote areas of Africa
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
these clothes.

Lastly
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
viewers have deeper concepts to the reports broadcasted on the media. Had not the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
camera
been invented
, individuals would not have accessed to such high qualities of these visual scenes, while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
they can immediately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
, including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries’ festivals, national celebrations or worldwide sports championships.
For example
, I became familiar with the Chinese’s festivals shown on BBC
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
. Watching it led me to know more about these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
habits, food or their ceremonies.

In conclusion
, by using the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
camera
, more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of humans’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
have
been figured
out. I give a green light to this device
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has been
extremely
influential not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
programs shown on TV.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
To learn a language is to have one more window from which to look at the world.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay The camera has changed the way we look at the world and the way that we celebrate special occasions. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
331 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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