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It is often difficult for young people to find a good job without previous work experience. Governments should encourage employers to choose young people when they need new workers. v.1

It is often difficult for young people to find a good job without previous work experience. Governments should encourage employers to choose young people when they need new workers. v. 1
It is challenging indeed to get a reliable job as a fresher as the employers, in most of the cases, pick the employees who have a past history of work in reputed organisations and have relevant work experience. But this trend should be changed. I support that the government should inspire employers to pick youths in needs of new workers for the following reasons. First of all, a large number of educated youths are unemployed in different parts of the world. For instance, in my land, Pakistan, the number of educated youths is not few. A substantial number of highly educated youths are seeking jobs but not getting as the employers prefer the expert hands. They do not rely upon the unskilled fresh graduates. If this trend continues, the rate of unemployment will go beyond control shortly. Moreover, unless the young people are getting involved with any sort of jobs or professions, they will not get their experience. So, at least to make them experienced in a particular field, the employers should pick them. Salary is not a fact for the fresh graduates, they are in need of a job to prove their skills and get some ideas on professional life. There were no jobs for a fresher like me in Pakistan a couple of years ago. When I completed my graduation from the University of Karachi, it was really difficult for me to find a job. Almost all the job advertisements required applicants having at least three years of professional experiences. If the authority fails to motivate companies to hire fresh graduates, many of them would become depressed and get involved in crimes. To conclude the topic, I think it is only the government who can intervene here to change the situation. Still, a large number of educated youths are seeking jobs. The scenario is almost the same around the world. If the youths are ignored in the job market, their moral degradation is a matter of time only. The corporations should make a balance while recruiting.
It is challenging
indeed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a reliable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
as a fresher as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
, in most of the cases, pick the employees who have a past history of work in reputed
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
and have relevant work experience.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
this trend should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
. I support that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should inspire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
to pick youths in needs of new workers for the following reasons.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educated
youths
are unemployed
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
parts of the world.
For instance
, in my land, Pakistan, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educated
youths is not few. A substantial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
highly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educated
youths are seeking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not getting as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
prefer the expert hands. They do not rely upon the unskilled fresh graduates. If this trend continues, the rate of unemployment will go beyond control shortly.

Moreover
, unless the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are getting involved with any sort of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
or professions, they will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their experience.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, at least to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them experienced in a particular field, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employers
should pick them. Salary is not a fact for the fresh graduates, they are in need of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
to prove their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
on professional life. There were no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for a fresher like me in Pakistan a couple of years ago. When I completed my graduation from the University of Karachi, it was
really
difficult for me to find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. Almost all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
advertisements required applicants having at least three years of professional experiences. If the authority fails to motivate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to hire fresh graduates,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them would become depressed and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in crimes.

To conclude
the topic, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
who can intervene here to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the situation.
Still
, a large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educated
youths are seeking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. The scenario is almost the same around the world. If the youths are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market, their moral degradation is a matter of time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
. The corporations should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a balance while recruiting.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay It is often difficult for young people to find a good job without previous work experience. Governments should encourage employers to choose young people when they need new workers. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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