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The business studies department at State University will now require all students enrolled in its program to complete one semester of work experience in a local corporation or small business. It is felt that students will benefit from this work experience v.1

The business studies department at State University will now require all students enrolled in its program to complete one semester of work experience in a local corporation or small business. It is felt that students will benefit from this work experience v. 1
It is true that international sports events have been successfully used to ease tensions between countries over the past decades, but it is also undeniable that such activities have caused violence and conflicts among people from different backgrounds. Therefore, I can only partly agree with the idea that international sports games are helpful in building a peaceful world. On the one hand, organizing international sports events is an effective means for country leaders to make conciliatory international gestures. A good example of this is China’s ‘ping-pong diplomacy’ in the 1970s, which successfully led to the thaw in Sino-American relations with exchanging table tennis players between the two superpowers. Similarly, inter-Korean relations have been improved as the two countries formed the joint Olympic team in 2018. People’s common interest in sports enables international sporting events to work as a communication bridge that creates solutions for peace. On the other hand, we should not underestimate the negative effects on world peace related to international sports events. Firstly, the terrorists have been targeting large-scale sporting events over recent years, willing to proving their existence by attacking crowded places. Although hosting countries are strengthening security measures, sports fans and athletes are still facing potential safety risks. Secondly, the violent behaviour of sports fans from different countries might result in tragedies. For example, hundreds of people got injured in the conflict between soccer fans of Liverpool and Juventus in 1985. In conclusion, I partly agree that international sports events are helpful in building world peace because of their bridging effect among nations, however, I would also argue that such events may bring safety issues and generate conflicts between people.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
have been
successfully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
tensions between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
over the past decades,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
also
undeniable that such activities have caused violence and conflicts among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
backgrounds.
Therefore
, I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
games are helpful in building a peaceful world.

On the one hand, organizing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
is an effective means for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
leaders to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
conciliatory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
gestures. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this is China’s ‘ping-pong diplomacy’ in the 1970s, which
successfully
led to the thaw in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sino-American
relations with exchanging table tennis players between the two superpowers.
Similarly
, inter-Korean relations have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
as the two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
formed the joint Olympic team in 2018.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People’s
common interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
enables
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
to work as a communication bridge that creates solutions for peace.

On the other hand
, we should not underestimate the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on world peace related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
.
Firstly
, the terrorists have been targeting large-scale sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
over recent years, willing to proving their existence by attacking crowded places. Although hosting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are strengthening security measures,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
fans and athletes are
still
facing potential safety
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
.
Secondly
, the violent
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
fans from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
might result in tragedies.
For example
, hundreds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
injured in the conflict between soccer fans of Liverpool and Juventus in 1985.

In conclusion
, I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
are helpful in building world peace
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their bridging effect among nations,
however
, I would
also
argue that such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
may bring safety issues and generate conflicts between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay The business studies department at State University will now require all students enrolled in its program to complete one semester of work experience in a local corporation or small business. It is felt that students will benefit from this work experience v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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