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The best way to teach children to cooperate is through team sports at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

The best way to teach children to cooperate is through team sports at school. v. 1
In modern age, cooperation has become more essential. Some parents believe that their kids should join more team sports in school since it is the most effective way to train the students to cooperate with others well. I agree with this opinion to some extent. Attending team sports at school has an crucial effect for educating the students about team work skill. First of all, it’s true that school is the place that kids spend almost of his time. Specifically, the average time for children to stay at school is about 8 hours. Thus, school is the best place for children to learn knowledge and make progresses. Secondly, , it is always required that students should complete the homework independently that they rarely need to cooperate with classmates. If the duties for kids are listen teachers’ presentations and do the homework, they don’t have the opportunity to practise their cooperation. On the contrary, team sports is useful to educate the students how to deal with teammates. For example, If the players want to win, how could they don’t in the basketball games? However, as far as I believe, playing sports is not best and there are several better ways to improve the cooperation for children. On the one hand, there are a few drawbacks in playing sports at school. Team sports are not suitable for every student. For instance, the thinner kids usually is not addict to score compared with the stronger ones. On the another hand, carrying out several projects by a group of students is better to learn how to cooperate. Firstly, the situation in this case is more likely the situation in the work. It can help students know better what they should do in their future work. Secondly, in the research students can get more academic information. To sum up, in order to get the progress related to cooperation, students not only should attend the sports at school, but also need to carry out the team work research.
In modern age,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
has become more essential.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
parents believe that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
since it is the most effective way to train the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to cooperate with others well. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.

Attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
has
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
crucial effect for educating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it’s true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is the place that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
spend almost of his time.
Specifically
, the average time for children to stay at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is about 8 hours.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is the best place for children to learn knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
progresses.
Secondly
,
Two consecutive commas
,
it is always required that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should complete the homework
independently
that they rarely need to cooperate with classmates. If the duties for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
are listen teachers’ presentations and do the homework, they don’t have the opportunity to
Possible spelling mistake. 'practise' is British English.
practise
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
.
On the contrary
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is useful to educate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
how to deal with teammates.
For example
, If the players want to win, how could they don’t in the basketball games?

However
, as far as I believe, playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is not best and there are several better ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
for children. On the one hand, there are a few drawbacks in playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are not suitable for every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
.
For instance
, the thinner
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
usually
is not addict to score compared with the stronger ones. On the another hand, carrying out several projects by a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is better to learn how to cooperate.
Firstly
, the situation
in this case
is more likely the situation in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. It can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
know better what they should do in their future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Secondly
, in the research
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more academic information.

To sum up, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the progress related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
should attend the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
need to carry out the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
research.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
41Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay The best way to teach children to cooperate is through team sports at school. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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