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Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view? v.1

Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. with this view? v. 1
Sports are supposed to be enjoyable but certain sports like skiing and sky diving are actually risky in nature. Some people suggest that those sports with high risks should not be allowed, but other people have a different view. A hot debate has been sparked on the presence of the extreme sports. Those sports have several dangers, predominately accident rates. Serious injuries such as bone fractures and head trauma are not uncommon in the extreme sports, even fatal accidents. It is too costly to participate in those activities just for excitements. As we know, most insurance schemes such as travelling insurance which does not cover those vigorous sports because the medical expenditures on the injuries are significantly high. Therefore, we should understand that those extreme activities are actually dangerous and cost a lot to play. However, in certain circumstances, the extreme sports are necessary. The activities were originally from survival skills. For examples, pilots have to learn sky diving to escape when accidents happen on plants, while ice skiing is a technique to transport in some countries with heavy snow. The skills are essential to save lives indeed if proper training is given. Furthermore, with the development of protective equipment such as helmets and braces, the injury rates are getting lower and lower. As a result, the hazards of the activities can be possibly minimised. In conclusion, although the extreme sports may have potential harms, the chances of getting injuries can be reduced if safety measures are conducted. Personally, I do agree that the skills of the sports will be very useful when the situations happen.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sports
are supposed
to be enjoyable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
like skiing and
Did you mean "skydiving"?
sky diving
are actually risky in nature.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suggest that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
with high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
view. A hot debate has
been sparked
on the presence of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
sports.

Those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
,
predominately
accident rates. Serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
injuries
such as bone fractures and head trauma are not uncommon in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, even fatal accidents. It is too costly to participate in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for excitements. As we know, most insurance schemes such as travelling insurance which does not cover those vigorous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the medical expenditures on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
injuries
are
significantly
high.
Therefore
, we should understand that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are actually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
and cost a lot to play.

However
, in certain circumstances, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are necessary. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
were
originally
from survival
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. For examples, pilots
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
learn
Did you mean "skydiving"?
sky diving
to escape when accidents happen on plants, while ice skiing is a technique to transport in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries with heavy snow. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are essential to save
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
indeed
if proper training is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
.
Furthermore
, with the development of protective equipment such as helmets and braces, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
injury
rates are getting lower and lower.
As a result
, the hazards of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can be
possibly
Possible spelling mistake. 'minimised' is British English.
minimised
.

In conclusion
, although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
may have potential harms, the chances of getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
injuries
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
if safety measures
are conducted
.
Personally
, I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful when the situations happen.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. with this view? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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