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The best way to reduce youth crimes is to teach their parents parental skills To what extent do you agree or disagree v.1

The best way to reduce youth crimes is to teach their parents parental skills v. 1
While many people are of the opinion that humans should admit a difficult circumstance, for example, an unpleasant job or lack of money, another view shared by others is that people should endeavour to improve these situations. From my own perspective, it is my opinion that we ought to make an attempt to better and overcome difficulties. On the one hand, people have reasons to think that accepting a harsh condition is good. This is due to the fact that employees might possess limited capabilities such as lack of training and skills or having health issues. Therefore, these people may agree to take the jobs which have no requirement of using strength and knowledge such as manual works; and these works, of course, could help them earn a lot of money as people wish to cover their everyday needs. At the same time, the job could have no labour protection equipment or labor insurance, which would guarantee their health and safety. On the other hand, I still concur with the idea that people need to strive for moving up in lives. The initial rationale is that make an endeavour to develop their own unfavourable situations could improve the quality and open up a new chapter in their lives. For instance, my uncle who had only two chickens at the beginning made his best effort to raise them, and gradually these two chickens have reproduced and developed into a farm with hundreds of chickens; and he got rich, therefore, thanks to his never give up mindset and continued effort. Furthermore, struggling to better would increase their position and status in society is another explanation of this belief. The most compelling reason is that people tend to respect those who do not accept their own destiny and make much progress in their lives. In conclusion, although people side with the notion that resigning themselves to a severe situation is a good action, my personal view would still be that people should strive to better in their lives for the aforementioned points.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that humans should admit a difficult circumstance,
for example
, an unpleasant job or lack of money, another view shared by others is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
these situations. From my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perspective, it is my opinion that we ought to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an attempt to better and overcome difficulties.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have reasons to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that accepting a harsh condition is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.
This is due to the fact that
employees might possess limited capabilities such as lack of training and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
or having health issues.
Therefore
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to take the jobs which have no requirement of using strength and knowledge such as manual works; and these works,
of course
, could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
wish to cover their everyday needs. At the same time, the job could have no
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
protection equipment or labor insurance, which would guarantee their health and safety.

On the other hand
, I
still
concur with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to strive for moving up in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. The initial rationale is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
to develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Possible spelling mistake. 'unfavourable' is British English.
unfavourable
situations could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the quality and open up a new chapter in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
For instance
, my uncle who had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
two chickens at the beginning made his best effort to raise them, and
gradually
these two chickens have reproduced and developed into a farm with hundreds of chickens; and he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
rich,
therefore
, thanks to his never give up mindset and continued effort.
Furthermore
, struggling to better would increase their position and status in society is another explanation of this belief. The most compelling reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to respect those who do not accept their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
destiny and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
much progress in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
side with the notion that resigning themselves to a severe situation is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
action, my personal view would
still
be that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should strive to better in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
for the aforementioned points.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The best way to reduce youth crimes is to teach their parents parental skills v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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