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people nowadays sleep less than they used to in the past. what do you think is the reason behind this? what are the effects in individuals and people around them? v.2

people nowadays sleep less than they used to in the past. what do you think is the reason behind this? what are the effects in individuals and people around them? v. 2
With the worldwide development of social media, the news we get from television, newspaper or even the internet are depending greatly on the one who deliver them. They are journalists working in as many different fields as the variety of peoples' interests. However, people are concerned that would journalists do their jobs responsibly and ethically. Obviously, people have their reason for concern. Nowadays, when people are more connected to each other through social media, we are facing a new social problem called fake news. There are many journalists who want to take advance of their jobs for their own benefits and thereby harm others. For example, people are seemed to be more concerned about the shocking news. Exploiting that, some journalists make up fake news and spread them as if they were real. Certainly, the only biggest reason for inventing this news is to make money. Because on the internet, they pay you for how much interaction you get from other people, which is counted based on the number of views, likes and shares. However, there are also many brave journalists out there working day and night to give us the most exact news with all of their responsibilities and ethics. In the past, journalists could be seen as soldiers in the information warfare. They put their lives at risk to inform us the latest news of the wars. When it comes to peace, they continue their noble jobs by delivering news in every aspect of our lives. They present everywhere despite of the weather, the distance. Thanks to them, we can just simply sit at home and turn on our television and know every detail about any politic events, worldwide problems, sports events and so on. There is good and bad in everything. I believe the number of good journalists all over the world overwhelm the bad ones. We can not trust someone completely. Therefore, the problem is not how we can trust them, but whom should we choose to trust.
With the worldwide development of social media, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
from television, newspaper or even the internet
The verb 'depending' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are depending
greatly
on the one who deliver them. They are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
journalists
working in as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
fields as the variety of peoples' interests.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are concerned
that would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
journalists
do their jobs
responsibly
and
ethically
.

Obviously
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have their reason for concern. Nowadays, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more connected to each other through social media, we are facing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
social problem called fake
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
journalists
who want to take advance of their jobs for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
benefits and thereby harm others.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are seemed
to be more concerned about the shocking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
. Exploiting that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
journalists
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
up fake
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
and spread them as if they were real.
Certainly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
biggest reason for inventing this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
money.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
on the internet, they pay you for how much interaction you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
from other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which
is counted
based on the number of views, likes and shares.

However
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
brave
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
journalists
out there working day and night to give us the most exact
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
with all of their responsibilities and ethics. In the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
journalists
could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as soldiers in the information warfare. They put their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to inform us the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
of the wars. When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to peace, they continue their noble jobs by delivering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
in every aspect of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. They present everywhere
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
the weather, the distance. Thanks to them, we can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
simply
sit at home and turn on our television and know every detail about any politic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, worldwide problems, sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

There is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
in everything. I believe the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
journalists
all over the world overwhelm the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
ones. We can not trust someone completely.
Therefore
, the problem is not how we can trust them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
whom should we choose to trust.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay people nowadays sleep less than they used to in the past. what do you think is the reason behind this? what are the effects in individuals and people around them? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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