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Some people think that people who choose a job early and keep doing it are more likely to have a satisfying career life than those who frequently change jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree v.3

Some people think that people who choose a job early and keep doing it are more likely to have a satisfying career life than those who frequently change jobs. v. 3
In schools, students learn to analyse literature, calculate using trigonometry and understand how photosynthesis works, but often students are inexperienced and helpless after graduation when encountering the real world. It is therefore argued that schools should teach their students how to survive financially in the world. The topic is difficult though. Many educators believe that a school is supposed to teach students in subjects that they will most probably not encounter again post-graduation, so that teachers can develop open-minded and well-informed individuals. At the same time, it can be argued that schools should impart skills that would be applied in everyday life. Mathematics, is supposed to not only communicate actual mathematics skills, but teach logic to students. However, schools are supposed to prepare the youths for their lives following high school. Currently the goal is not fully met, as often students are unable to handle their finances sensibly and can often face significant problems. Schools that teach students how to survive financially could change. A significant shift in the ideology of education is unlikely to take place soon, as the education system has been in place for too long to be easily changed scale would be costly, as teachers would have to be trained and a syllabus for potential subject would have to be created. However, in some countries, for example Germany, a community subject is available in which politics and finances are discussed. Leaves students from Germany in a better situation to deal with finances in their lives. In conclusion, training school students in financial matters would be very useful. Adding new content to the syllabus would require a significant amount of money, but the entire community would benefit from students being better prepared for adult life.
In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
learn to
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
literature, calculate using trigonometry and understand how photosynthesis works,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are inexperienced
and helpless after graduation when encountering the real world. It is
therefore
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
how to survive
financially
in the world.

The topic is difficult though.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
educators believe that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is supposed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in subjects that they will most
probably
not encounter again post-graduation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that teachers can develop open-minded and well-informed individuals. At the same time, it can
be argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should impart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that would
be applied
in everyday life. Mathematics,
is supposed
to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
communicate actual mathematics
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
logic to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are supposed
to prepare the youths for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
following high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Currently
the goal is not
fully
met, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are unable to handle their finances
sensibly
and can
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
face significant problems.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
how to survive
financially
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
.

A significant shift in the ideology of education is unlikely to take place
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
, as the education system has been in place for too long to be
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
scale would be costly, as teachers would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be trained
and a syllabus for potential subject would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be created
.
However
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries,
for example
Germany, a community subject is available in which politics and finances
are discussed
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Leaves
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
from Germany in a better situation to deal with finances in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

In conclusion
, training
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in financial matters would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful. Adding new content to the syllabus would require a significant amount of money,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the entire community would benefit from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
being better prepared for adult life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people think that people who choose a job early and keep doing it are more likely to have a satisfying career life than those who frequently change jobs. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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