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The bar graph shows the number of overseas students enrolled in the first year law course at a college. v.1

The bar graph shows the number of overseas students enrolled in the first year law course at a college. v. 1
It is considered for some the charming of lifestyle in cities with a huge amount of immigrants decrease. In my opinion, I believe that living in a place which is expanding in size could affect native’s routine. However, It means that the city would be multicultural, an that is amazing. First of all, there are popular metropolis which a lot of people from other countries or towns choose as a good area for living and working. The issue is that these cities, which are not prepared for that large number of the population, could suffer a transport collapse, as well as renting a house could be expensive and finding a nice site to live could be difficult. For example, Buenos Aires receives a lot of immigrants from Venezuela and Colombia every year. The result of that is a collapsed city where taking busses and subway is not comfortable at any time during the day. On the other hand, the city could be more appeal because each immigrant brings his own culture. It means that this place will be multicultural, helping to the native people to know different languages, foods, traditions, and so on. For instance, In Auckland, where I am living, we can find a lot of restaurants offering dishes from India, China, Japan and other countries around the world. To sum up, cities have definitely changed when a huge amount of people go to live there. Thus, it does not mean that they will lose their appeal. Some repercussions of that are bad for the population, but other ones are spectaculars for the city’s growing.
It
is considered
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
the charming of lifestyle in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
with a huge amount of immigrants decrease. In my opinion, I believe that living in a place which is
A more concise phrase may lose no meaning and sound more powerful.
expanding in size
could affect native’s routine.
However
, It means that the city would be multicultural, an
that is
amazing.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there are popular
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "metropolises"?
metropolis
which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries or towns choose as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
area for living and working. The issue is that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
, which are not prepared for that large number of the population, could suffer a transport collapse,
as well
as renting a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
could be expensive and finding a nice site to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
could be difficult.
For example
, Buenos Aires receives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
immigrants from Venezuela and Colombia every year. The result of
that is
a collapsed city where taking busses and subway is not comfortable at any time during the day.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, the city could be more appeal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
each immigrant brings his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
culture. It means that this place will be multicultural, helping to the native
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
languages, foods, traditions, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
For instance
, In Auckland, where I am living, we can find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
restaurants offering dishes from India, China, Japan and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries around the world.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
have definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
when a huge amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
go to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
there.
Thus
, it does not mean that they will lose their appeal.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
repercussions of that are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for the population,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
ones are spectaculars for the city’s growing.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay The bar graph shows the number of overseas students enrolled in the first year law course at a college. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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