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Libraries should be shut down as better alternatives are available. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.4

Libraries should be shut down as better alternatives are available. v. 4
In the recent years, the use of computers in our daily lives has increased tremendously. The business sector, healthcare departments and police organizations, all depend on them. One cannot deny that they are going to influence many other fields in near future too. However, we must beware of this excessive usage, because the computers have some major detrimental effects on humans and society. To begin with, technology has taken over the whole world. For example, the data in hospitals are now saved and shared online, crime detection has improved enormously after the development of fingerprint analysis and metal detectors, many businesses have already flourished due to computers and their multiple uses in office work. In the coming days, it is predicted that, they are going to replace the teachers in classrooms, as more focus would be paid for online courses. Moreover, scientists are now preparing robots, which would be of a great help for people in performing household chores. However, this extreme incline towards digitalisation is a real concern. It has, indeed, changed our way of living and has hugely improvised our lifestyles, but at the cost of health and happiness. Take for instance, before the dependency on technology, people used to be healthier, because they were not addicted to computers and they preferred spending their spare time effectively such as in exercising or walking. But nowadays people have left these healthy activities far behind. Furthermore, although connectivity has improved a lot in the forms of cell phones, telephones and e-mails, but this interaction has failed to make people feel the true essence of love, friendship and respect. To sum up, that day is not far away when computers would be present everywhere around us, including our homes and schools, in the form of robots and artificial teachers. But, this unrestrained use has multiple health hazards and leads to an unhappy society.
In the recent years, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computers in our daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
has increased
tremendously
. The business sector, healthcare departments and police organizations, all depend on them. One cannot deny that they are going to influence
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other fields in near future too.
However
, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
beware of this excessive usage,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the computers have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
major detrimental effects on humans and society.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, technology has taken over the whole world.
For example
, the data in hospitals are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
saved and shared online, crime detection has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
enormously
after the development of fingerprint analysis and metal detectors,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
businesses have already flourished due to computers and their multiple
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
in office work. In the coming days, it
is predicted
that, they are going to replace the teachers in classrooms, as more focus would
be paid
for online courses.
Moreover
, scientists are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
preparing robots, which would be of a great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in performing household chores.

However
, this extreme incline towards
Possible spelling mistake. 'digitalisation' is British English.
digitalisation
is a real concern. It has,
indeed
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
our way of living and has
hugely
improvised our lifestyles,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at the cost of health and happiness. Take
for instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the dependency on technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be healthier,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they were not addicted to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
computers and
they preferred spending their spare time
effectively
such as in exercising or walking.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
these healthy activities far behind.
Furthermore
, although connectivity has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
a lot in the forms of cell phones, telephones and e-mails,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this interaction has failed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel the true essence of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, friendship and respect.

To sum up, that day is not far away when computers would be present everywhere around us, including our homes and schools, in the form of robots and artificial teachers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, this unrestrained
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
has multiple health hazards and leads to an unhappy society.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Libraries should be shut down as better alternatives are available. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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