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You would like to get enrolled in a qualification course. Write a letter to the person in charge of the course and ask for detailed information regarding the course, fee and prerequisites. Write at least 150 words. You do NOT need to write any addresses. Beg v.1

You would like to get enrolled in a qualification course. Write a letter to the person in charge of the course and ask for detailed information regarding the course, fee and prerequisites. You do NOT need to write any addresses. Beg v. 1
The quality of education is very essential in our society, in order to create leaders with bright a future. However, the government and many organisations become more concerned about how to improve the educational sector. Many suggested that the best way to do this, is to seek the opinion of the students as well as accepting criticism against their tutors, others disagree with this suggestion. In this essay, I will discuss both views, and give my opinion. First of all, seeking the opinion of the students is indeed a better way to increase the quality of education, this will enable the governments and other bodies to identify any difficulties the students are facing and to be able to make any necessary adjustments. For example, I taught a group of students few years ago, and discovered only a few of the children were able to understand, but when I seek their opinion on how to make them understand better, I was able to assist these children in a better way. Therefore, these students encounter different challenges every day, but asking for their opinion will help tutors to understand how to impart knowledge in each student. On the other hand, the students may take for granted when asked to give reasons for their difficulties. They might use that freedom of speech to blame teachers whom they dislike, and to accuse tutors that have their interest at heart, this in turn could lead to hatred between the tutors and the learners. For example, in Nigeria some group of students gang beats a teacher who flogged them in the classroom for not reading their books. If such ones were asked to give an opinion on bow to increase the quality of education, they will obviously blame such teacher. To conclude, seeking the opinion of the learners has its advantages and disadvantages, however, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages considering students who are really willing to learn.
The quality of education is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
essential in our society, in order to create leaders with bright a future.
However
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
become more concerned about how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the educational sector.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
suggested that the best way to do this, is to seek the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
as well
as accepting criticism against their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tutors
, others disagree with this suggestion. In this essay, I will discuss both views, and give my opinion.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, seeking the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is
indeed
a better way to increase the quality of education, this will enable the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and other bodies to identify any difficulties the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are facing and to be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
any necessary adjustments.
For example
, I taught a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
few years ago, and discovered
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few of the children were able to understand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
when I seek their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
on how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them understand better, I was able to assist these children in a better way.
Therefore
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
encounter
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
challenges every day,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
asking for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tutors
to understand how to impart knowledge in each student.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
may take for granted when asked to give reasons for their difficulties. They might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
that freedom of speech to blame teachers whom they dislike, and to accuse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tutors
that have their interest at heart, this in turn could lead to hatred between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tutors
and the learners.
For example
, in Nigeria
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "gangs"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'gang' is not always incorrect.)
gang
beats a teacher who flogged them in the classroom for not reading their books. If such ones
were asked
to give an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
on bow to increase the quality of education, they will
obviously
blame such teacher.

To conclude
, seeking the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opinion
of the learners has its advantages and disadvantages,
however
, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages considering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who are
really
willing to learn.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay You would like to get enrolled in a qualification course. Write a letter to the person in charge of the course and ask for detailed information regarding the course, fee and prerequisites. You do NOT need to write any addresses. Beg v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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